Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

I just spent the evening in an infomercial.

You know the ones...where someone is playing the "host," and all of their "friends" just "happen" to be sitting around an abnormally large breakfast bar in the kitchen while they accidentally show them how AMAZING this new kitchen gadget is.

The only thing is, I'm not entirely sure what the infomercial was for.

Landlady invited me to a "Ladies' Night" tonight. The invitation was via e-mail, very wine and cheese casual. So I figure, what the hell, I'll go up when I get home from work, have a couple of glasses of wine and maybe meet some interesting people. Say what you will about my landlord, but no one would ever call her boring, so I'm anticipating meeting some entertaining friends of hers.

Now, usually when I get a "come over for a Ladies' Night" invitation, it's because whoever is doing the inviting is doing one of those in-home sales things where they try to peddle baskets or candles or melon ballers or sex toys on you. Yes, that last one is for real. Unfortunately I only get invited to the basket/candle/melon baller variety of in-home sales party - my friends are not bold enough to try to sell me sex toys, although I have to say I would find THAT sort of party FAR more interesting than some aromatherapy or a chafing dish. This one didn't specify an ulterior motive. I think that's because Landlady was peddling something a little more abstract than kitchen gadgets or home decor.

It all kicked off with the woman next to me asking how Landlady had "lost her weight."

Landlady has been doing a "cleanse." Two of the other guests also use/sell this "cleansing" program. Okay, this really isn't all that surprising - I had gotten an e-mail from Landlady a couple of weeks ago about how much she loves this stuff and includes a link which tells me she is clearly going to start selling it. What IS surprising to me is how much the other ladies in the room are eating this up. They're dying to hear about it. The sound like those people who say things like, "well sure, it can darn your socks, but can it make a good guacamole?"

"YOU BET IT CAN, KEVIN!"

So there are a few testimonials being bantered about at this point. I roll my eyes and sip my wine politely, keeping my mouth shut. Then Landlady gets everyone's attention because there are things she wants to say.

So begins an impassioned speech about the power and glory of women, and the amazing assortment of women in the room, and proceeds to go into detail about every amazing woman there and how she knows them and what makes them amazingly amazing.

Present company included - she said some very nice things about me. But seeing as how I know PLENTY of women who have accomplished EXACTLY as much as I and usually done it better, I am fairly unimpressed with myself. But when she tells everyone about my education and the fact that I "teach", everyone oohs and aahs appreciatively.

OVER THE 30-YEAR-OLD WOMAN LIVING IN HER BASEMENT.

Now, don't get me wrong - there are some very accomplished and fascinating women up there. One was a coach for Canada's national tennis program...one provides wigs and other aesthetic services for women undergoing various medical treatments and has started what is essentially the Canadian equivalent of Locks of Love for kids...these are some pretty neat chicks. But there's also the girl who she knows because she was a regular at the family souvlaki joint while working at the Shoppers Drug Mart across the street. Yeah, said girl worked to put herself through school and wants to be a lawyer - admirable goals to be sure, but hardly remarkable.

And thus I was almost with her on the Girl Power bandwagon until she started talking about how she "changes lives" by...

...selling insurance.

Buying insurance is a smart thing to do. It is sensible, and responsible, and something you do to protect the people you love. IT IS NOT A LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE.

And I'm sitting there feeling like a horrible person because while everyone is nodding along at the amazing speech and "ooh"ing and "aah"ing...I am rolling my eyes and thinking "come ON!" Is it wrong that I think we should have higher standards for ourselves? That we should surround ourselves with incredible people and expect ourselves to live up to, and then exceed our own expectations? I don't need to brag about myself or my friends - I prefer to expend my energy on moving forward and what comes next, rather than on congratulating myself or patting myself on the back for what I've already done.

Then they start talking about the cleanse again. Because the last two women she introduces to the group are, of course, her fellow Cleanse Pushers. She's been SAVING them! So I hear the spiel all over again (apparently we're now past the first commercial break so they have to repeat everything verbatim)...one CP is a nurse, and is really into nutrition, and she works with athletes, and she dropped 7 1/2 lbs, and it's the EXACT OPPOSITE of a diet because you drop fat and build muscle. I'd like to know what fucking piece of shit diet this woman has been doing that causes her to LOSE muscle and BUILD fat.

I stopped counting cliches pretty early on in the evening because I knew I wouldn't have enough fingers by the end. But one woman actually used the phrase "I'm always on the go." IN A NON-IRONIC FASHION.

WHO DOES THAT???

Okay, so the conversation slowly drifts back to normality. Then it becomes a whole diatribe on how some oncologist said that the biggest problem with women today is that they're under too much stress and that's what's giving all of us the cancer and the strokes and the heart disease. No shit, Sherlock. Newsflash: stress makes you sick. This is why some of us drink. Here's my miracle cure: not sleeping well? no energy? not losing weight? TRY EXERCISE, YOU FAT ASS! There was not a SINGLE effect of this "cleanse" that wasn't something I associate with the way I feel when I am eating nutritious food and exercising vigorously. 30 minutes of wandering around the city window shopping is not exercise. If you do something that is hard for your heart and lungs to do for 30 minutes, your blood will start flowing. And you know what that blood does? It CLEANSES you. THAT IS WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

Thus is the natural rhythm of the infomercial - the conversation would drift onto normal topics, and then someone would say, "hey (Landlady), I wanna hear more about your thing!"

WHO DOES THAT???

I kept waiting for her to say, "How much would YOU pay? If you call within the NEXT 10 MINUTES..."

My favorite part was when the alpha-CP was talking about cortisol, and everyone starts murmuring about "belly fat" and "stress hormone" and all sorts of other ancient secret wisdom that you, too, would have if you spent one weekend watching infomercials from 3-5am. If ONE PERSON had contributed something to the "cleanse" conversation that I hadn't already heard a million times before from sources far less educated than myself, I might have been impressed. But none of these amazing women had anything intelligent to offer.

The funny thing is I'm still not entirely sure if she was trying to sell vitamins...

...or insurance.