One

I'm not the kind of girl who goes around bemoaning my singlehood, claiming that my life would be perfect if only I had a guy to share it with. I don't need a man to validate me, and I enjoy my solitude and my independence. But I also couldn't be farther from the man-hating feminist type. I don't NEED a guy to share in my good fortune, but I've never found a good thing that wasn't better when shared with someone. Experiences, hobbies... food, drink...successes and failures... kit kat bars... these are all things that are more significant when you share them with someone special. And to be perfectly honest, over the last few weeks, I've been feeling that void. I'm happy with my life, my job, my family and friends - I couldn't ask for anything better in any of those areas right now. But the fact of the matter is, they'd all be enriched if I had someone to share them with.

Oh, let's just go ahead and say it... I'm lonely. This has become more and more evident over the last few weeks, and that feeling was compounded sometime this week when I realized it's been nearly a year since my last relationship ended. Now, I've been single for good reason since then - finishing a Ph.D., moving back home with your parents, and moving (to not just a different town, but a different COUNTRY) are not terribly conducive to a hot romantic life. But that doesn't change the fact that some days, you just want to come home to a warm hug and a kiss on the forehead. And they say the first step to finding someone is figuring out what you want. So without further ado, I present What I Want:

1) I want to meet a guy, feel an attraction, and be asked out... to be pursued. I don't want to have to do all the work. I am tired of always being the one with the balls to turn a good friendship into something better. Feeling like you're bullying a guy into dating you is hard on the ego.

2) I want to be taken out on a real date, where he tries his best to come up with somewhere to take me that I will like to go. He doesn't have to actually be right, just make the effort. And it's certainly not about money - I have more appreciation for a guy who can take me out for a really good cheap date than for one who can spend a lot of money for an evening that is just fine.

3) I want to be kissed. I want a guy to slide his arm around my waist, pull me close, and kiss me because he can't stand to look at me and not kiss me anymore. I don't want to be asked if he can kiss me. I don't want an awkward, timid kiss. I want to be kissed by someone who knows what they're doing.

4) I want him to look into my eyes, and make me never want to look away.

5) I want to be with someone who is available - to know that the future is available to me. I am tired of telling people about my new relationship, "It's not going to go anywhere, but at least it makes for good companionship." Companionship is nice, but it's not enough. I don't want to spend any more time curled up in blind alleys - I someone to help me out of the maze.

6) I want to share my passions and my priorities. I want to be with someone who wants the same things out of life that I do - who is passionate and willing to learn... who is open to my interests and desires, and who will challenge me to appreciate the loves of their life.

7) I want to say, "I love you." And I want to hear it back. Without reservation or qualification.

So yeah, that's what I want. No wonder I'm still single. And lonely.