5:55 pm: Tuning in to the end of the preshow. Am seriously freaked out by presence of freaky harlequin cheerleaders. Am not sure whether or not to be freaked out by the marching band dressed as actual Chicago Bears - pads and helmets and all. My head says yes, but my heart says no, oh dear God no.
5:56 pm: Aforementioned Window Cooler Plan (WCP) has been abandoned due to inability to open said window. Not sure if swelling of window frame due to condensation or aforementioned Ass-Coldness of outdoors is to blame. Have substituted with Big-Assed Beer Mug Plan (BABMP), involving ceramic beer mug hand-crafted by my very creative but possibly slightly alcoholic brother. Mug is large enough that should it be necessary, it can hold two complete beers. Beer of choice is Laker Red, my current favorite Cheap-Ass Canadian Beer (CACB)...bourbon is Evan Williams Single Barrel (to make up for aforementioned CACB)...shot glass of choice is my prized Amish Country shot glass, because I do so love glassware with a sense of irony.
6:01 pm: Super Bowl commercial about significance of getting to the Super Bowl is about to make me cry. I mean honestly...how much must it SUCK to be the older brother to Peyton AND Eli Manning???? And digging up old high school geometry teachers is just too much. HOO-RAH!!!
6:03 pm: DAMN my chili and bread smell good. Can't believe I have to wait an hour before I can eat them.
6:10 pm: You know, in a straight up head-to-head mascot battle, the Bears have it hands-down. I mean, a colt can be wild, it's got a good kick, but a Bear? He's got big fuckin' fangs, and big fuckin' teeth. He's not looking at those big fuckin' fangs and big fuckin' teeth and thinking, "How am I gonna do it? How am I gonna kill the colt?" One swipe to the jugular vein and it's goodbye, horsey boy.
6:19 pm: Billy Joel just sang the national anthem. Now I have to give him props for an understated and classy rendition, but in the words of Randy and Paula on American Idol, it was a little pitchy. Anyone who doesn't believe me when I say that our national anthem is really FREAKING hard to sing, I submit this as Exhibit A. But thank you, Piano Man, for not embellishing it beyond recognition like everyone else seems to.
6:27 pm: OH HOLY SHIT!!! Now THAT'S how you start a football game!!!!
6:32 pm: They just commented on how the crowd is definitely favoring Chicago - this is my primary problem with the Colts. Indiana is NOT a football state - the fans are just too fickle. It's easy to be a fan when your team is doing well, but that's not truly supporting the home team. Back in the day when the Colts sucked ass for so many years, nobody was a Colts fan. Bears fans are real fans - they are devoted and loyal, no matter how badly their team sucks, and they follow their team when they're doing well and going somewhere big.
6:37 pm: Kickoffs returned for TD: 1
Interceptions: 1
GO BEARS!!!
6:47 pm: Peyton Manning, why you gotta break my heart? Smith, thank you for dropping the snap on the extra point. That, my friend, is what they call closure.
6:51 pm: Hagler, you sonofabitch. Who greased the ball??? WHOA!!! HELLZ YEAH! Whoever greased the ball, THANK YOU!!!
6:55 pm: My GOD I love this game!!!
7:02 pm: Watching the Colts offense, I am left with one question: Why so many Mannings?
7:04 pm: SONOFABITCH.
7:10 pm: Still not out of the 1st quarter, but am already getting seriously pissed off at the clearly pro-Colt commentators.
7:14 pm: In a lame act of cross-promotion for a lame new sitcom, they cut to the cast members in the stands. WOW does David Spade look wasted.
7:34 pm: Me + Peyton Manning = the love that dare not speak its name.
7:35 pm: Shit! ShitshitSHIT!
7:38 pm: Seriously...commentators...if you love Indianapolis so much, why don't you MARRY them???
7:40 pm: I have to say, after all of the promos, if Prince does NOT play "Let's Get Crazy" during his halftime show, I will be SORELY disappointed.
7:44 pm: I'm sure this is just the first of many times this will be said, but I want Brian Urlacher to have my babies.
7:47 pm: I LOVE commercials made in the States for a Canadian audience...A Bud commercial just featured a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from...The University of Canada. Because ya know, we only have one. Myself, I did my undergrad at the University of the United States, and hope to one day teach at the University of England.
7:51 pm: Aw, Grossman, why you gotta break my heart?
7:54 pm: Seriously, Urlacher, marry me.
7:56 pm: For the love of God, Colts, PLEASE stop trying to kick the ball. You're just embarrassing yourselves.
7:58 pm: It is now halftime, and I am pleased to report that my legs appear to have returned to room temperature.
8:06 pm: Prince appears to be wearing a kerchief, but he IS singing "Let's Get Crazy."
8:08 pm: Seriously...when did Prince turn into Aunt Jemima with a guitar? Oh how I long for the days of the assless pants.
8:10 pm: WHOA. Now he's apparently Ike Turner. Or is he Tina? Seriously, the kerchief is throwing me way off.
8:11 pm: As is the glow-in-the-dark marching band.
8:14 pm: "Purple Rain." Can't believe I didn't see THAT one coming. But that guitar is...interesting. Are you sure that shadow in profile is kosher in a post-Janet Jackson era? Because...wow. Is that a non-gender-specific symbol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Let's just say that made up for you not playing any of your dirty songs. I salute you, Prince, and your..er...guitar.
8:17 pm: Eh...shoulda stuck with the kerchief, Prince Jemima.
8:28 pm: The score really doesn't show it, but my beloved Bears are clearly being outplayed. Grossman may have fewer interceptions than Manning, but it's hard to throw interceptions when you NEVER TOUCH THE DAMNED BALL.
8:33 pm: Seriously, boys, why don't you just curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumbs? It would be just as effective.
8:46 pm: No. I'm sorry. It is not a sack when the quarterback SLIPS AND FALLS ON HIS FACE.
8:47 pm: TWICE.
8:48 pm: Grand & Toy, PLEASE stop trying to take credit for the 1st-down line. That is an AMERICAN innovation, and you, my friend, do not exist south of the border.
9:01 pm: 1ST DOWN!!! WOOHOO!!! Can we say lowered expectations?
9:04 pm: BEAUTIFUL kick, Gould! You are spared the wrath of Beth.
9:20 pm: sonofaBITCH. We finally get a decent run in, and it's called back with a 10-yard penalty.
9:21 pm: Okay, Grand & Toy, where the hell was the fucking first-down line???
9:22 pm: GROSSMAN, YOU SUCK!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING????
9:26 pm: Guys, now would be a good time to remember how to play football. Just a thought.
9:31 pm: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
9:36 pm: NOW THAT'S HOW YOU SACK LIKE A MAN. Peyton...you've got some grass on your helmet there...
9:58 pm: Well, that's it. Not a bad drive at the end there, boys, but it was far too little, far too late. Once again, it comes down to the fact that the Bears have a great defense, but while you can lose a game with bad defense, you can't win a game without an offense. I have to say, though, if my boys had to lose, I'm glad it was to guys like Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning - they're good guys, and they deserve it. But seriously, Urlacher - call me.
A few parting thoughts:
1. Things I have learned about Canadian men, courtesy of Budweiser, USA: a) they are all talented woodworkers, b) they surf in winter, c) they use their BFA degrees from the University of Canada to become tattoo artists, and d) they all have some form of scruffy facial hair (this one is actually not far off the mark, at least in winter).
2. In the Canadian feed of the game, Primus Telecommunications digitally superimposes a fake blimp onto shots of whatever real blimp is filming the game. First I have to give up the good commercials, do you really have to kick me while I'm down by subjecting me to a blimp in drag???
3. Yes, you read that right. I didn't get ANY of the good commercials this year, because Canadian TV is stupid. Thank God for YouTube.
4. At least my dinner was awesome.
And now I begin the long, cold 6 1/2 months without football...
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