Take Five

The other night, I was having a conversation with a friend via e-mail about celebrity sightings/meetings, spawned by my previous post about The Incredible Hulk filming in Toronto. In this area, I'd say the world can be divided into three groups of people:

1. Celebrities
2. Those who, in the course of their seemingly normal lives, just happen to meet celebrities with some regularity
3. The rest of us

Category 2 is a small, but distinct segment of the population. I have known a couple of these people in my life; one was an acquaintance from college. The show RENT opened on Broadway my first year of college, and immediately became the obsession of every self-respecting theater geek of my generation. Naturally, a number of my friends made pilgrimages to New York to see the show, but this friend saw the show...met some members of the cast...got invited to a cast party...where he met Carol Burnett...who sent him a Christmas card that year. Oh, and he also came home with a new boyfriend - a member of the cast. I know someone who dated the guy who plays Paul on the Original Cast Recording.

The friend with whom I was having this conversation got invited to a party during the Toronto International Film Festival last year. He went to the wrong party, met Johnny Depp (humina humina), and, because he was in a position to help Johnny slip quietly out of the party and avoid the throngs of stalkers that were waiting at the entrances, he got himself invited to another, private, party without even trying.

SHIT LIKE THAT DON'T HAPPEN TO NORMAL PEOPLE.

People like this don't seek these experiences out - if you TRIED to get invited to a party with Johnny Depp, it would never happen. You don't TRY to get a Christmas card from Carol Burnett - you just have to be a certain kind of person to make that kind of impression on her. I don't know if I would make that sort of impression on anybody...I've never had the opportunity. But, in my experience, if I were this sort of person, I would have met some celebrities by now...ergo, I must be one of them there normal folk. I honestly don't know if I'm the type to get starstruck, because I've never had the opportunity to find out.

Us normal folk have to content ourselves with our six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon brushes with fame. My mom went to high school with the Unibomber's little brother (true story - he signed my aunt's yearbook)...my high school geometry teacher is Joe Piscopo's cousin (he apparently never comes to family gatherings)...that kind of stuff. While the Category 2 kids are out actually meeting fabulous and exciting people by accidents of fate, we are sitting in bars playing "Who Would You Kick Out of Bed?" or "Marry, Boff, or Kill?" in between edits of our Five Celebrity Freebie lists.

For those who are not familiar *coughcoughIancough*, these are very simple games, and I enjoy them because they continue to amuse for hours in the right crowd, and require no cards, boards, or teeny-tiny pencils. I'm not big on most games that require equipment. A quick overview:


Who Would You Kick Out of Bed?

The classic jumping-off point is the major three (American) networks' TV news anchors (meaning the landscape of the game has changed drastically since I first played it in college), but you can start anywhere.
Example:
"Who would you kick out of bed: Brian Williams, or Charles Gibson?"
"Charles Gibson."
"Okay, who would you kick out of bed: Brian Williams, or Katie Couric?"
"Oooh...tough call."

About the only steadfast rule is that you HAVE to kick one, and only one, out of bed. "Threesome!" is not an acceptable answer, so you can have great fun tormenting people by making them choose between their biggest celebrity crushes...sort of a sexual Sophie's Choice. But it gets really fun when you start giving people options like, "Who would you kick out of bed: Bill O'Reilly, or...Carrot Top?"


Marry, Boff, or Kill?

Popularized by 30 Rock (one of the most underrated shows on TV today, as far as I'm concerned). Similar concept to WWYKOoB, except three celebrities are named, and the person must assign each to one of the three categories. You can't Marry two people, or Boff all three. Fairly self-explanatory, but that "Kill" category means the game can get nasty.


Five Celebrity Freebies

This is always a good conversational item in a group of people - it's your list of the five celebrities that, if you ever get to meet them and get the opportunity, you're allowed to sleep with, regardless of your marital/relationship status. They are your freebies - it doesn't count as cheating if they're one of your Five. Well... at least, it's considered FORGIVABLE cheating. Years ago, there was a Friends episode about the List, but that's not where the whole idea originated. In that episode, Ross actually writes his list and, after long and painstaking deliberation, has it laminated. So I tend to refer to the people I consider as having permanent seats on my list as Laminated - kinda like the U.N. Security Council, but Sexy. Sadly, of course, having someone on your List does NOT mean that you WILL sleep with the person should you ever meet them (Listkeepers are not, as a general rule, rapists), just that there will be no penalty should you actually get so lucky. I find that people's Lists tend to be very revealing about their personalities and tastes, so it's always fun to compare. Some Listkeepers are purists - like Ross, they decide on their Five and lock them down for all eternity. I prefer to think of the List as a dynamic entity...as I mature and evolve, it is only natural that my List should as well. However, my Five has remained unchanged for a few years now, and, since I don't think I run any risk of becoming a Category 2 any time soon, I present my Five:

1. Matt Damon (L) (the L stands for laminated - he is the very definition of my type.)
2. Johnny Depp (L) (hotness + wicked good actor = me so horny)
3. Jon Stewart (let's just say I have plans for that desk)
3. Hugh Jackman (but not the hairy Wolverine Hugh Jackman...the clean-shaven, Broadway-darling-in-tight-pants Hugh Jackman. I mean, the ass-kicking and adamantium claws are hot as hell, but I really can't deal with the sideburns.)
5. George Clooney (I really feel like a cliche having him on here, but much like the VGLM, every time I think I'm over him I see him somewhere and think to myself, "DAMN...")

You Category 2's enjoy your fabulous parties and chance encounters with fame. The rest of us will hang out in the corner and fantasize. At least now you know why we're giggling so much over here.