Carrie-d Away

I've been having a Sarah Jessica Parker moment over the last couple of days. I've been feeling thin and healthy, and therefore the last couple of nights I've taken to wearing a vintage slip as a nightgown. I like it - even though nobody is there to see it, it makes me feel cute and feminine and sexy. When I was drinking wine with the Landlords a couple of weeks ago, Landlord told me how just that week he had seen me leave for (or maybe it was come home from) work and commented to Landlady that I was "starting to look like a Torontonian." Now, part of me couldn't resist feeling a little indignant...I mean, come on, did I REALLY look THAT bad before?....but I know he meant this as a compliment. And it's true, a year ago, I only wore full makeup if I was going out (and even then it was rare), and now I wear it every weekday. Back then I rarely so much as blow-dried my hair, and now I not only do that regularly but often go so far as to (gasp) STYLE it on a daily basis. I used to live in t-shirts, jeans, and flannels...now the flannels and hoodies only come out on weekends, and the only jeans I wear to work are my Good Jeans. Now, these changes started as soon as I left grad school - my first real teaching gig last summer forced me to start wearing my nicer clothes more often, and I was happy about it. But moving here, where I have many opportunities to take notes from well-dressed women on the subway, and getting back into good shape have forced me to buy a few more cute clothes and, perhaps more importantly, wear the ones I already had better (I have one pair of pants in particular that have always just been....well...fine. But today I tried them on for the first time since last summer and they made my ass look fantastic, if I do say so myself.). At any rate, I've noticed that Toronto women of my age, much like New York women, have a way of dressing and carrying themselves that's worth admiring. And on days like today, when I am feeling cute, thin, well put-together, and confident, I see people watch me when I get on the bus as opposed to remaining in their music- or book-induced oblivion. So at least today, I apparently look like a Torontonian, and I like it.

Now, the previous paragraph was written as an attempt to justify to myself that I have a right to now rant about other people's fashion choices. You didn't REALLY think this was going to be a sweet little entry about self-esteem, did you? For the record, let me state that I am absolutely NOT a fashion expert, and I have made some rather hideous transgressions in the past AND present, but there are certain things that I see on a regular basis that I simply can not let go by any longer without comment. So let me just take a moment to flip my Bitch Switch...

(click)

Okay, let's begin, shall we?

There is an epidemic sweeping across the female population, and it flares up hideously in the warmer months. I am talking about Visible Undergarment Syndrome, or VUS. Now, I feel the need to state, in the interest of full disclosure, that I have been known, on many occasions, to show a little bra strap. In fact, I will be doing it for the better part of today because, while I'm sure I have bras that wouldn't poke out from this top, they don't make my boobs look as good as this one, and I'm willing to make the sacrifice. However, this bra happens to match the top in both color and texture, so I consider it a fairly minor transgression. I have also been known to do the deliberately contrasting bra strap and top bit, but only when the top in question is a wifebeater and I am in a decidedly casual environment. I'm sure someday down the road I will be completely appalled with myself for ever wearing a grey wifebeater with purpley-blue brastraps clearly visible, but for now, I happen to find it a little slice of trashy-cute fun. So, in some cases, I believe this is a rule that is meant to be broken.

But I draw the line at the back strap.

I found it truly appalling this morning to see not one, but TWO fully exposed back straps on the subway. Not a little edge poking out of a poorly-fitting top...not a deliberate hinting at a cute bra under a little shirt - just a complete absence of any attempt whatsoever to wear an outfit-compatible bra. Perpetrator #1 was wearing what appeared to be a t-shirt converted into a halter top, with full arm- and back-strap exposure. As far as I'm concerned, a little bra peek is okay as long as it's consistent with the lines of the garment - it should be either subtle, or an accent to the main piece, not the focal point. You don't wear a lacy bra under a wifebeater, and those who wear a regular bra with a halter top should be taken out back and pelted with Prada until an appropriate level of good taste has entered the bloodstream. However, in her defense, at least the bra matched the color of the top, and she was clearly going for a Look (side note - I didn't even realize people still WORE Dr. Martens...are the 90's already retro, or is the punk/goth bit really that immune to trends?) that, while not visually appealing to most of the population, really wasn't designed to be. I can respect that.

Perpetrator #2, however, was completely unforgiveable. I first saw her from the back, so my first impression of her was a beige back strap cutting clearly across her back above the top of a black and white sundress. BEIGE IS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT. Beige lingerie is purely functional, meant to disappear under a garment, making it the single most heinous bra to display in public, particularly when we're talking huge-ass back strap action. Then she turned around. Okay, honey, I get it. You have a very impressive rack, and it takes a serious undergarment to make those puppies all perky like that. Your cleavage is looking quite fetching. But here's the thing: fantastic rack + spaghetti straps = never gonna happen. If you've got great cleavage, you should use it, but for the love of God, please leave the spaghetti straps to those of us with itty-bitty boobs that can be acceptably supported by a strapless bra while you opt for something low-cut that will hide the industrial strength riggings underneath. That's all I'm saying. One bra strap turned you from a Very Cute Girl into dangerously borderline Jerry Springer material. Oh, and that reminds me, get your roots done. Again, there's a difference between trashy-cute and just trashy, sweetheart.

Just yesterday I had come face-to-face with the flipside of VUS. I saw a girl on the subway - young, pretty, and looking quite put-together. Very monochrome - black from head to toe, but a nice top, nice little capri pants with these utterly ridiculous extremely pointy-toed black stilettos that she couldn't walk in to save her life. But all in all, a very cute outfit and she looked pretty good as long as she wasn't trying to, you know, actually locomote. Until I followed her up the stairs in the station and was confronted with the expanse of bright-pink underwear between the top of her pants and the bottom of her shirt. Not a peek of waistband - enough cloth that I actually wondered if she had layered a pink shirt under the black one. Unfortunately, the return of low-rise pants, a trend I welcomed with open arms while I tremble in fear of the return of the high-waisted pants of my youth, has brought with it an accompanying wave of VUS. Yep, I'm talking about Panty Peek. Again, this is sometimes done deliberately, but unlike the contrasting strap thing, I simply cannot get behind purposely displaying your thong for the world to see. Whether or not I'm flossing is nobody's business but my own. I don't think it's too much to ask that, if a woman buys low-rise pants, she buys slightly lower-rise panties. I take great pains to ensure that my panties are high enough to ensure complete ass-crack coverage (because one of the great lessons in life is to know one's limits, and exposed ass-crack, an even less forgivable sin than PP, should be a no-brainer in that arena), yet low enough to not be seen by the outside world. I remember a day not that long ago when women lived in fear of the dreaded VPL (Visible Panty Line - remember Underalls commercials? ahh, memories...), but now full-on panty exposure runs rampant. It's not pretty, it's not sexy, and it needs to be stopped. Keep your tighty-whities (or pinkies, as it were) to yourself, I say. If we all work together, we can make VUS a thing of the past. Scientists at the laboratories of Victoria's Secret and La Senza are working on a vaccine as we speak, but until then, please tell all of your friends to practice Safe Sexy.

Okay, I think I've gotten the VUS rant out of my system for now. But the day I see a girl displaying the dreaded back strap/Panty Peek combo (an occurrence that I am sure is only a matter of when, not if), my head is liable to explode. Maybe when it gets cold again I'll finally vent my Skinny-Jeans-Tucked-Into-Mukluks-or-Some-Other-Ridiculous-Sort-of-Boot rage if the Fashion Gods haven't mercifully removed that trend from the style lexicon by fall.

Oh, but while we're on the subject of footwear, what the smurf is up with Crocs? When, exactly, did GARDENING CLOGS become a fashion statement??? There are no words. Literally.

Final note: While I was writing this post, feeling all smug and cute, I got a phone call and now have plans for tonight. I'm going to a baseball game.

In heels.

I'm going to be one of those girls I make fun of. Believe it or not, I don't ALWAYS want to be Carrie Bradshaw.