Lately, I’ve been slowly coming to a realization
about myself.
I am not an emotionally honest person.
I like to think I live my life from a philosophy of snarky kindness. Whether it be my students, my friends, or my family, I will always be there to support others, ready to crack a joke and break the tension and offer a hug (or a full-on snuggle) when needed. It’s pretty much how I was raised - I can remember when I was little, when I would cry (which was a LOT) my mom would gobble up my tears and pronounce them deliciously salty. And sometimes, she would just let me be sad, if that’s what I needed. But she never made me feel like I had to explain myself. This is not a bad thing...it’s good Mothering. As recently as a few years ago, I was still able to bury myself in her shoulder and cry when I was upset, without having to explain myself.
But after too many relationships that started with the phrase, “We should probably keep this between us” for some reason or another...I am absolute shit at expressing serious, less-than-happy, or complicated emotions. I was never great at it, but compartmentalization has taken hold as a survival skill. The only people I have an easy time saying “I love you” to are my best friends. When friends/coworkers/family/etc. disappoint or hurt me, I bottle it up and either wait until I feel better or shut them out. When people write about experiences in a flowery, romantic way, I roll my eyes and take a deep breath...I am getting better about not SAYING the snarky thing, but it’s always my first thought, no matter how beautifully written the sentiment. I honestly have no idea if the reason I rarely talk to my most recent ex is because he’s glad we broke up or it hurts him to talk to/see me. I knew exactly how he felt about me for the first year we were together...now I have absolutely no idea. I don’t know whether I should leave him alone or reach out to him more.
I am not an emotionally honest person.
I like to think I live my life from a philosophy of snarky kindness. Whether it be my students, my friends, or my family, I will always be there to support others, ready to crack a joke and break the tension and offer a hug (or a full-on snuggle) when needed. It’s pretty much how I was raised - I can remember when I was little, when I would cry (which was a LOT) my mom would gobble up my tears and pronounce them deliciously salty. And sometimes, she would just let me be sad, if that’s what I needed. But she never made me feel like I had to explain myself. This is not a bad thing...it’s good Mothering. As recently as a few years ago, I was still able to bury myself in her shoulder and cry when I was upset, without having to explain myself.
But after too many relationships that started with the phrase, “We should probably keep this between us” for some reason or another...I am absolute shit at expressing serious, less-than-happy, or complicated emotions. I was never great at it, but compartmentalization has taken hold as a survival skill. The only people I have an easy time saying “I love you” to are my best friends. When friends/coworkers/family/etc. disappoint or hurt me, I bottle it up and either wait until I feel better or shut them out. When people write about experiences in a flowery, romantic way, I roll my eyes and take a deep breath...I am getting better about not SAYING the snarky thing, but it’s always my first thought, no matter how beautifully written the sentiment. I honestly have no idea if the reason I rarely talk to my most recent ex is because he’s glad we broke up or it hurts him to talk to/see me. I knew exactly how he felt about me for the first year we were together...now I have absolutely no idea. I don’t know whether I should leave him alone or reach out to him more.
But, to be fair, he also has no idea how I feel
about him.
I can charm pretty much anyone I want. I know how to dangle just the right amount of vulnerability and honesty in front of someone’s nose when I’m not invested in their response. But I don’t know how to fall in love. I don’t know how to truly comfort someone when they are sad.
I can charm pretty much anyone I want. I know how to dangle just the right amount of vulnerability and honesty in front of someone’s nose when I’m not invested in their response. But I don’t know how to fall in love. I don’t know how to truly comfort someone when they are sad.
I mean, aside from hugging.
I like to think I’m good at hugging.
Maybe the rest will work itself out eventually.
Maybe the rest will work itself out eventually.
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