Watch you weave then breathe your story lines

If the Pope shits behind a fallen tree in the forest and there isn't a blogger around to hear it, does it sound like one hand clapping?

One of my Faithful Readers (tm) IM'ed me today (allegedly) to bitch about the fact that I'm not posting all that often these days (allegedly). Dave honey, this one is (allegedly) for you - I've been compiling it for a few months, and I guess now is as good a time as any...

Oh, and the same people who bitch (allegedly) about me not posting enough, are the same ones who, when I DO post, bitch (allegedly) about them being too long. You people can kiss my ass - you want brevity, find a Twitter page.

I know that a great proportion of my Faithful Readers (tm) (I believe five of a total of about seven, so that's, like, 71% of my readership!) are such because they also write blogs. Much like mine, they're all just chock full of clever little observations/rants about their daily lives, brought into existence by a need to vent/pontificate/keep in touch with long-distance friends. I started writing this silly thing (and continue doing so) because I was getting a fresh start in a new town and entering what I anticipated would be the best time in my life thus far. I wanted to document it for a couple of reasons: first of all, I wanted to remember all of the odd, interesting, and exhilarating things that you notice when everything in your life is new and fresh. Second, I wanted to remember that no matter how good life is, it still has its ups and downs - all too often, our memories are colored too heavily with either the positive or negative. When people ask me how I like living in Toronto, I tend to glow...I don't talk about the fact that the propensity for gloomy weather often gets me down, or that the wind chill can be unreal, or that single Canadian men all seem to fall into one of two categories - those that I scare the bejeezus out of and those that are Just Not That Into Me. On the other hand, only after a year and a half away from Lafayette have I been able to get to a place where I can remember it fondly - for a long time, any pleasant memories of football games, community theater, slumber parties, improv shows, etc. were all but obscured by the bad taste left in my mouth by those last couple of years trying to escape grad school. I like to think that this blog is a fairly accurate representation of what I've been thinking, feeling, and experiencing since I moved here, for better or worse. When I go back through the archives, I can remember quite vividly how I was feeling when I wrote each post, which is what I wanted. Finally, writing a blog is an easy way to keep people up to speed on what you're doing. I am a lousy correspondent - I've dropped the ball on so many e-mail dialogues that my e-toes are throbbing. I love IM, because it's an easy way to stay in touch with people...I feel more connected with old friends just because I see them on my contact list every day. Even if I haven't spoken to them in YEARS, I still see them every day and know they're just a click away from me, and that's comforting. But that doesn't tell me what they've been up to, and typing out a long story is exhausting, and you end up having to break up the story into fragments because each IM has a character limit, and you can't properly edit your storytelling for effect like you all know you do before you call your best friend to tell them what ohmyGodjusthappened to you, and retelling each story for everyone you talk to is justplainEXHAUSTING and...well...you get the point. And this is exactly why I encourage all of you who don't do so already to start a blog - so that I will REALLY know what's going on with you.

So yeah, I pretty much started writing this thing just for me, and that's the main reason so few people read it. My family knows I have a blog, but I haven't given them the address because, well, in the words of my very wise mother as she dropped me off for my first semester of college, "there are some things Moms just don't need to know." And while I could do what some people do and put a big, "Hey Mom, you might wanna skip this one" warning at the top of those sorts of posts, I know I would abuse the privilege. Mom doesn't REALLY need to know exactly how much shitty TV I watch, or how much I swear when I watch football alone, or how badly that last date went or how well the next one might go (winkwinknudgenudgeknowwhatImean?). And frankly, I would end up either censoring myself or putting a "Hey Mom" tag on nearly every post. I've said before that the people that read this thing fall into one of two categories: (1) my best friends of all time and (2) complete strangers. I only give this site out to people who I trust will still love me (or, if it's even possible, love me more) after reading it, and as far as the strangers go, hell, if you don't like it, you can move on, and if you do like it, chances are I like you too so I'm fine with it. But the fact of the matter is, if you put things like this out there, people can find it. This is why I never use last names, and avoid writing about people who I can't come up with a clever pseudonym for (there's more than one person that I have been DYING to write about but haven't, because I can't think of something clever to call them and refuse to use their real names). At any rate, I'm glad I have people reading this, because when I started writing it I had no idea how important feedback was going to be to the whole process.

There are a couple of things that bloggers thrive on. A pinch of narcissism (just enough to convince us that people might actually want to READ what we write)...endless navel-gazing...spellcheck...and in my case, copious amounts of alcohol and the freedom to ramble off-topic whenever I choose. And, of course, feedback. I think my fellow blogger friends would probably agree with me when I say that the frequency of your postings is directly proportional to [(the number of perceived regular readers) + (the number of new readers)^2] x (the number of comments received). Okay, so that may not be the exact formula, but a quick browse of the archives tells me that when people comment frequently, or I have just given this page to someone, or a new reader outs themselves in the comments, I post more often. And, let's face it, just as I can't be trusted to keep posting on a regular basis, my Faithful Readers (tm) can't always be trusted to comment to let me KNOW they're reading. So, a while ago, in an effort to keep myself motivated and keep tabs on whether or not there is, in fact, Anybody Out There, I put a webcounter on this here page. The particular tracking site I use is pretty nifty - it tells me who's checking the page, how often, and how they got here. I actually know when some of you get to work based on when you always check this page, and I can tell whether my regulars are checking from home, or work, or from their parents' house over Thanksgiving. It helps me figure out if I'm losing people because I haven't posted in a month. Or if the random people that happen on my page stick around, or get the heck out of Dodge as soon as they realize that they did not, in fact, find a site that will tell them how to make controlled substances out of common household ingredients in hotel bathrooms. (I've learned the hard way that identifying oneself as a chemist online leads to a certain amount of "Hey, I bet she can tell me how to make meth at home!")

Don't worry, I can't see your names or the fact that you left my page to Google "chicken porn."

I can, however, see what people Googled in the first place that somehow landed them on my page. And really, now that my Faithful Readers (tm) leave me comments to let me know they're still reading, that's primarily what I use the silly webcounter for - I get endless amusement from looking up the Google entries. Like I said at the top of this post, I've been compiling some of these for a LONG time. Unfortunately, I was primarily compiling them in my head at the beginning, and some of the most amusing ones are long since forgotten. Now, I realize that by including these various phrases in a post, I am merely increasing the likelihood that some misguided sap looking for these topics will end up here, but, quite frankly, that's a risk I'm willing to take. I seem to remember MadMup doing a post like this some time ago, and I found it fascinating and highly amusing. And really, we all know that this blog exists for the sole purpose of amusing the Wahooty, faceless Googlers be damned.

I have noticed that the following Googles can be grouped into categories, so that's how I've decided to present them, rather than chronologically. Any spelling/punctuation/grammatical errors have been left intact because dammit, they're funny. However, anything in parentheses is my own commentary:

PSYCHOLOGY/SELF-HELP:
cartoon about unrequited love with an emotionally unavailable man
on a scale 1 to 10 what number i am i quizzes
dream interpretation wearing wedding dress no groom
dream interpretation people without faces
dream of a red weddind dress interpret
Horoscope information is currently not available (TWICE!)
self fulfilling prophecies horoscope
HOROSCOPE SELF FULFILLMENT PROPHECY

Okay, I find the first one just plain sad, but if there is such a cartoon, I am now convinced I need to see it. And apparently, I'm not the only one trying to interpret my own dreams. Or the only person that thinks that horoscopes tend to become self-fulfilling. Apparently. But seriously, who the fuck Googles "Horoscope information is currently not available"??? TWICE??? I mean, what is it about that sentence that makes someone think to themselves, "Hmm...I need more information. Perhaps if I GOOGLE it, the oracle of Google will tell me exactly why I have no future."

ALCHEMIST REFERENCES:
the alchemist symbols themes
the alchemist direct quotes
monologue from the alchemist
THE ALCHEMIST GIRLFRIEND

Okay, these make sense. I believe stuff like this is precisely why MadMup's blog is no longer entitled, "The Muppet Show," although I do think it was the most awesome title ever. I can't see myself changing my title, but if I ever do, "Chicken Porn" is going to be right at the top of my list of alternates.

FOOD:
fish sauce with pomegranate (I believe the word we're looking for here is EW.)
Penrose Fish and Chips Mt. Pleasant (I believe I can blame an Ian comment for that one)
How to make Curds & Whey By Alton Brown (I guess this one makes sense, I do love me some AB. Not getting the curds and whey connection but, eh, whatever.)
elvis cake pan (Em is to blame here - it came up not once... not twice... not even three times... FOUR TIMES. Seriously?!? Let me save you some time, Elvis cake fans - just search directly on eBay next time.)

POP CULTURE REFERENCES/SONG LYRICS (this is by far the biggest category, because we all know how much I love the random pop culture goodness):
im a hazard to myself but im a when im wi (um, what?)
lyrics um ba way A movie theme (not quite sure what they were after there, but I hope they found it)
I fought the law and law won t-shirt
Underalls commercial (this makes me happier than it has any right to)
Billy Vera and the Beaters
family ties song alex dances to at dance (as do these two)
terrible trivium (twice - for those of you who don't know, this is a Phantom Tollbooth reference)
lyrics "but i won't let it faze me"
bud beer commercials raindrops on roses (IS there a Bud commercial featuring "Raindrops on Roses"??)
cartoon germs
the awesome power of music
scrubs lyrics "this is ourselves"
I can't recall your name but your fez is familiar
Mr. Magee don't make me angry
make me angry magee
most charming supervillains
let auld acquaintances be forgot

I think it's funny how many of these come from my incredibly obscure titles. A number of them referred people to my "Awesome Power of Music" post, which is still one of my all-time favorites, so I figure it's Martha (in Wahootyspeak, that means it's a Good Thing). Which leads me to...

MARTHA STEWART (yes, kids, she gets her own category!)
martha stewart alchemist
martha is my hero
martha stewart home hero

That first one is my favorite. Because what on earth would possibly possess someone to need to Google those two things together? Is Martha secretly the holder of the Philosopher's Stone? Because I don't think I can handle loving her any more than I already do.

COMPLETELY RANDOM:
reasons i live alone (dude, if you don't already KNOW your reasons, perhaps you should get thyself a roommate)
Labmates Kennels (twice???)
grand & toy sucks (hee hee - it just makes me happy that Googling ANYTHING plus the word "sucks" would land you on my page)

SOMEWHERE, A GOOGLER WAS SORELY DISAPPOINTED:
girls in victoria's secret pink underwear
VGLM sex

That second one made me laugh, but also had me very worried that all this time I'd been using an initialism (not an acronym, that's something for another post I've been compiling for AGES) that meant something I really didn't want it to mean. So, just to be safe, I Googled the phrase to find out what that person might ACTUALLY have been looking for...all the time worrying that I was going to find pictures of some sex act so horrifically deviant that I had never even heard of it.

Fortunately, it turns out that the Googler in question was, in fact, only looking to have sex with a Very Good-Looking Man. Whew. But seriously...dude, I am SO EMBARASSED FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

And, of course, there were a few hits where somebody Googled "Wahooty" or "the alchemist blog" or some combination. I trust that those folks are probably you people and you actually found exactly what you were looking for. I've tried Googling "Wahooty" and was pleased to find out that very few hits come up - there's this page, and then some random postings to message boards and the like where it is used merely as a joyful exclamation of sorts. It's good to feel original. I may not be a very reliable source for an Elvis cake pan, a pomegranate/fish sauce recipe, lingerie models, or biographical information on Martha Stewart, but I am the one, and only, Wahooty. I'm glad you found me, no matter how brief the stay.

Final side note: One other thing I just recently gleaned from my webcounter is that I now have reason to believe that my boss (aka Fearless Leader) may actually be reading this. Some would be scared pantsless by this, but since a) I don't blog while I'm supposed to be working and b) in my brief mentions of him I believe I only say things that range from inconsequential to flattering, I'm not all that paranoid about it. Especially since, if it IS you, I know you've stopped by when you're at work. ;) If you are out there, FL, I have NO IDEA how you found this thing or how long you've been around, but you are certainly welcome. But suffice it to say, you now know me WAY better than I know you, so you owe me at least one long night over many, many beers.

Oh, and you are reading this site along with some poor schmuck who just Googled "pantsless chicken porn." I hope you're proud of yourself.