Guess I'll Go Eat Worms.

So here we are, not even two weeks into the great eHarmony eXperiment (Volume 2), and it's already going downhill fast.  So far, out of over 40 matches, four have tried to communicate with me.  Bachelor #1 listed his profession as "transportation." Translation: bus driver.  In response to "Describe one thing only your closest friends know about you" he answered, "I once drove 4 hours through a hailstorm just to have dinner with a girl, then drove all the way home the same night."  Translation: STALKER.  WrEEEE!  WrEEEE! WrEEE! (that would be what happens when one tries to type out the theme music from Psycho.  Oddly, spellcheck doesn't seem to recognize onomatopoeic representations of screeching violins.  Or the word "spellcheck" for that matter.).  So that request went unanswered.  Bachelor #2 seemed reasonably attractive and interesting...but I have been "Waiting on his Answers" for, oh, about a week now.  Something tells me that at this point, I'll be waiting forever.

 

Then, there's Bachelor #3.  There's nothing about him that really stands out to me on his profile, but it is kind of refreshing to see someone from the business world whose "last book" ISN'T Who Moved My Cheese?, The Art of the Deal, or some other book written by a businessman about how you, too, can be a better businessperson and bring in more business and get all up in my business...no wait, that last one is really more about bidness than business.  I don't have a problem with people reading those sorts of books because they love what they do and want to be better at it, but most of my matches list their profession as something involving one or more of the following words: "financial" "trader" "commodities" "broker" "investment" or "accounting." THEN they proceed to list "business" as the thing they are most passionate about.  THEN they list this sort of book.  Jesus...one-dimensional much?  I mean, I don't expect a limited profile to express every nuance of your character, but you should at least be...planar.

So at least #3 stood out in that respect.  And I've tried to keep an open mind about communicating with anyone who asks and isn't a total troll, so we go through the bullshit "guided communication " process and make our way to "open communication" in a few days' time.  His first message to me is disarmingly smartassy and makes me laugh aloud - he has now officially piqued my interest, because most people won't do that right off the bat.  I ignore the fact that he inserts lols into his messages (a habit I ABHOR - the only time I think it's acceptable to use an LOL is on instant messenger, when I am trying to let someone know they have actually made me laugh out loud) and am enjoying a friendly banter, being my smartass self because clearly, he gets that.

I spent the last two days waiting for a response to my last message.  When it came today, it read as follows:
Beth,
This was definitely the answerI was expecting. It sounds like you are very angry with a little playful talk through email of all things. I just don't have time for that.
Good luck in your search.

He also closed the match, which means he has permanently cut off communication with me.

Um...Exsqueeze me?  Abakingpowder?  Angry?  I wasn't angry in the slightest.  Sarcastic?  Sure.  Honest?  Absolutely.  But I was in a good mood when I wrote him - I was basking in the glow of steak and fresh local produce and a couple of glasses of wine that turned out to be damned good for being under $10 and soft-baked chocolate chip cookies!  Where did this "angry" impression come from?

Now, in the interest of fairness, I went back and re-read my message in an effort to figure out why he took it that way, because I was genuinely puzzled.  And, to be fair, I can see how, taken entirely out of the context of my personality, it could have sounded VERY angry.  Unfortunately, I was laboring under the misapprehension that this guy got my sass, and had dispensed with my usual habit of punctuating sentences with smileys to convey the smirk behind the snark.  I did this consciously, because I imagine many people find the excessive use of smileys to be every bit as irritating as I find the excessive use of LOLs, so I tried to keep myself to one or two per message.  Big mistake.

So at this point, I understand why he thinks I'm kind of a bitch, and willing to chalk it all up to a misunderstanding. 

Until I re-read that "this was definitely the answer I was expecting" part.

Okay, I wasn't angry before, but I SURE AS FUCK AM NOW, ASSHOLE.

I communicated with you, even though deep down I thought you were a tool for any and all of the following:

a) Including a picture of yourself dangling from a rock.  Yeah, I get it, you're eXtreme.

2) Mentioning that you love to cook.  EVERY guy does this.  It's the ultimate online-dating cliche: guys who "love to cook" and girls who "love football" because they think it's the thing the opposite sex wants to hear.  (Those who mention playing guitar are even more lame, but I find this gets less common the further removed from your college years you are.  Most men my age no longer bother unless they actually get PAID to play guitar.)

iii) Being an English major who can't spell.  Or use spellcheck, apparently.

4) Whatevs.

e) Copping out on two of the profile questions.  Even I had the decency to come up with SOME bullshit for all of them.  For example:

"What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?"

You'd never know it, but I'm smokin' hot under the glasses and the labcoat - like a girl in a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie.  But shorter.

"Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?"

I am happiest when I am at my most ridiculous, and I sometimes get bored late at night and edit my eHarmony profile because I get tired of my main page nagging me that my "About Me" is incomplete because I haven't provided any additional information in this space.  I also sometimes enjoy run-on sentences.

vi) Sending me a stupid icebreaker before your first set of questions.  The icebreakers are for people who don't want to buy a membership that will allow them to actually send real communication, you hoser.  Grow some balls.

7) The aforementioned LOLs.  Seriously.  So fucking annoying.

 

So...not even two weeks in, and I've already had my feelings hurt by a complete stranger.

 

There is no Bachelor #4.  But there is another guy, who wants to communicate with me.  When I looked at his photos, my unfiltered response was, "he's cute.  But dear GOD does he have a bad haircut." 

One of the more recent eHarmony newsletters gave some tips on dating people you meet online.  Things like meeting for the first time in a public place... telling a friend where you'll be...avoid bus drivers and hailstorms... etc.  And their #1 rule is: Trust your Gut. 

So here we go...my Heart says, "These losers can go to hell.  But...I desperately need to go on a date.  There might still be a good one in there somewhere.  You should remain optimistic."

My Head says, "Hey, we made a deal that you would at least try to get to open communication with anyone that asked, because you never know what will happen face-to-face."

And my Smart Ass is saying, "His grandma cuts his hair with a Flowbie and/or SuckCut.  He loves cats.  He is 'neither religious nor spiritual.'  He has included a photo of himself SKYDIVING.  Number of times he mentions LOVING TO COOK: 3.  Number of times he mentions PLAYING GUITAR: 2.  Even though he listed his profession, you still have NO IDEA WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.  Oh, and I swear there's a look in his eyes that says, 'I already have your panties, so how's about a drink sometime?'"

 

Clearly, my body parts are at war with one another.  So, I ask you, loyal readers...which one of these best approximates my Gut, and is therefore trustworthy?