So...my life is currently boring me to tears. Spending a little quality time with the men in my life over the last couple of weeks has made me realize that I'm just not getting out enough (as opposed to just not getting enough. Which would also be true.). I've been feeling frustrated, and lonely, and just generally disgusted with myself. And, as much as I've enjoyed my evenings across a table from these lovely men, I feel as though I have earned the right to spend one with someone new. I deserve a date, dammit - it has been too long. I mean, even a bad date would be a refreshing change of pace, and would give me something to write about to boot.
Of course, contrary to popular belief, it's kind of hard to find someone to take me on a date. Primarily because it's freaking hard as hell to meet new people, and my guy friends are all too possessive to introduce me to any of their old people who would be new to me. I am not exaggerating - I have had more than one guy straight up tell me that they wouldn't trust their friends with me or they just don't want to share me. And if your friends won't hook you up, then who will?
So I'm thinking about re-activating my eHarmony membership. You may remember that last year, about this time, I let it expire because in three months, they had only managed to come up with one person I actually wanted to talk to in real life, and I went on two dates with him before I decided that that was enough of that. As I was taking a step down in salary at the time, I didn't really see any reason to continue paying for the privilege of not meeting anyone I wanted to go out with, as I seem to be capable of doing a pretty good job of that on my own for free. As I let my subscription lapse, I apparently offended the eHarmony gods when I made a change in my profile to alert anyone that wanted to communicate with me that I would not be able to respond. I received the following e-mail:
Subject: eHarmony Account Information - URGENT
Dear Beth,
During regular site maintenance, we noticed some content written by you that violates our terms and conditions.
Because this violates the terms and conditions that you accepted when you joined eHarmony, we have turned off your matching. You will not receive any further matches.If you want us to reactivate your matching, please log into your account and change the content cited above. Please e-mail us at --------- explaining why you wrote this content. Mistakes and misunderstandings will happen, so if you feel we are in error or do not understand your meaning, please let us know.
Sincerely,
The eHarmony Team
So basically they rolled up a newspaper and spanked me with it. It's just so goddamned condescending - any other dating site would have just deleted the offending content and moved on. Of course, this doesn't stop them from sending me their fucking "newsletters" that give you such sage advice as "don't get drunk on the first date" and their offers to renew my membership at rock-bottom prices but you better act fast because this offer will expire in two days and you'll never have another opportunity until next month when we send you another one.
You may be asking yourself at this point why I am considering signing up again. And to that I say...because it's cheap. Much cheaper than a night of speed-dating, or a wine tasting/spelunking/pole dancing class for singles. And it takes a minimal amount of effort on my part, and might provide me with another two dates that will remind me why I hate dating sites for another year. That, and the little voice in the back of my brain that never gets tired of reminding me that two of my cousins met their wives on eHarmony.
And...I NEED TO DO...SOMETHING. IMMEDIATELY. It's a start.
So I at least dealt with the spanking and got them to turn my matching back on. I haven't given them any money yet, but I did at least pull up my profile to see if there's anything I would change this time around. That's when I realized that I think I'm too cynical for the eHarmony right now. Seriously - I find reading my own profile to be fairly nauseating. It clearly needs a little spicing up, but I'm having trouble figuring out how to do that, since the eNazis are apparently even offended by the word "smartass." A word that holds a very important place in my vocabulary.
Think I'm kidding? My answer to the question, "Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?" had originally read, "My smartass sense of humor." Unbeknownst to me, some eDitor changed it to read, "My smart sense of humor." Um, I don't think so. I may not know what people notice about me first, but it has a hell of a lot more to do with my ass than my smarts. They won't edit you when you misspell the name of the author of the last book you read and enjoyed (unless there's another version of The Firm that was, in fact, written by Jon Grissom), and they won't correct EGREGIOUS grammatical errors, but the smartass has to go. If you find the word "ass" offensive, fine, delete the statement. Or if you must actually alter the text, alter it to something that at least means the same thing as my original intent. Of course, this did give me the opportunity to type the word "smartass" into an online thesaurus to find an alternative that wouldn't offend the good Christian folk at eHarmony. (Oh, yeah, I feel the need to include here, for those of you who don't know, that eHarmony is a faith-based organization. That's why they're so committed to setting up marriages, and why they don't let the gays play. Had I known this before I signed up, they never would have gotten a penny from me. But we've already established that I am lazy, and they already have my profile.) But I've decided that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. on that damned site answers that question with some variation on "my sense of humor." So I need a new answer. Something spicy. But I'm drawing a blank. So I come to you guys for suggestions.
I did make one change today. The "Five things I can't Live Without" are now as follows:
1. Family
2. Instant Messenger
3. Wine
Dairy
5. The Funk
It's sad, but #5 officially makes this list infinitely more interesting than anyone else's I've read. So I'm making it my personal mission to change one profile item at a time until my profile makes me happy in an appropriately wiseacre/smartaleck/Gothamite/impudent/whippersnapper/wisenheimer/
cheeky/flippant minx/malapert/brazenface/chutzpadik kind of way.
If you have any suggestions for what people notice about me, or something only my best friends know about me, or anything else I would like my matches to know about me, please share in the comments. Because so far, I've only managed to attract nice, normal people.
And I find normal people MIND-NUMBINGLY DULL. Discuss.
8 comments:
i'm pretty sure the things only i know about you aren't fit to print on the eHarmony.
and my other options for "the first thing noticed about you." i mean, if they don't approve of "smartass," i'm pretty sure they'll delete "the penis in your freezer."
The best time to get drunk is on a first date.
I'm partial to the 'flippant minx'
The term, or the person? ;)
Sadly, as we all know, I actually AM more charming and witty when I drink, so getting drunk on the first date tends to compound the "attracting nice, normal people" problem. Because I've noticed that there is generally an inverse relationship between the amount I care about a particular person's opinion of me and my ability to be charming.
You people really aren't helping with this whole "first thing people notice about me" thing....
(those who don't actually know me in real life are excused from this assignment, but surely somebody in the class has SOMETHING to offer...)
I'll start it off as I still remember the first time we met. It was your eyes. They shine when you talk and show a soft side hidden behind them regardless of what your lips are saying.
Ah...there we go. I knew if I cast that line enough times, I'd eventually reel in a really nice compliment.
Thank you Ian, that was lovely to hear. However, the minx would like to point out two things: a) technically, the eyes are part of my appearance, and are thus disqualified from this particular profile item and 2) you're totally cheating because you had already been reading my blog, and were already primed to see that I'm really a big softie deep down. The first post in which you outed yourself as a reader was one of the most pathetic I've ever written.
And this, folks, is why I'm still single. Because I fish for compliments, and when there's a nibble, I've always got to throw back a smartass response.
So for the time being, my answer will remain, "my oh-so-slightly manic energy. Or possibly my American accent. Or both, as I've found that changing accents in rapid succession makes a great party trick."
Oh yeah, somebody fixed herself a couple of daiquiris and started editing her profile last night. ;)
Oh, and in the time it took me to get from home to work this morning, I received a new match, who promptly closed me before I had even had a chance to view his profile. From "New Match!" to "Read 'Closed' Message" in about an hour. It's like DumpCrafters. So my changes seem to be doing the trick, eh?
You know what one of my first memories of you is? Standing in the hallway outside of the Helms, in our Holocaust getup, and you teaching me that one dance step that I can still do. So many good memories of you, Bethy! I love you!
That, and your tight ass.
Hey are you a professional journalist? This article is very well written, as compared to most other blogs i saw today….
anyhow thanks for the good read!
Oh dear God...absolutely not. That would require allowing someone to edit me all the time. :)
Thanks for the compliment, though. Glad you enjoyed it! :)
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