La Vie Boheme

The need to express...to communicate...to going against the grain...going insane...going mad.

I've found I can be a lot to handle. This is probably why I don't have a boyfriend. Well, that and the fact that I just moved to Canada and still don't quite speak the language. Every once in a while, I find myself in one of these self-indulgent, nobody-gets-me kind of moods. These moods are what make me do stupid things. Like obsessing over that cute guy to an uncalled-for level, or becoming wildly jealous that someone I hardly know and have no vested interest in is dating someone else. These are stupid things to do. I know this.

But when it comes down to it, these thing happen merely because I'm a passionate person. When I love something, I do it passionately - whether that something is food, wine, or music... a hobby or a human being... friend, family, or significant other. The flipside of that is that when things are slow in life (which they often are), I have to vent the passion that would normally be directed towards a project or relationship. So it gets redirected. Take tonight - the redirection du jour meant channeling my creative energies into cooking a good dinner with good wine to match. Now, this would be fine - fabulous, in fact - were it enough. But for some reason I have to take it one step further so that I eventually find myself serenading my landlord's dogs. You may laugh, but they make for a very attentive audience. Or at least they do until they start humping each other. Apparently, in the canine world, I am Barry White... kind of like how Jerry Lewis is a comic genius in France, or how Kevin Federline is a worthwhile human being in the twisted mind of Britney Spears.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes - feeling a need to be expressive. Funny how that need always seems to make me incoherent as hell. This....this is how I know I'm ready to find Something to Do With Myself. Or at the very least, to put on some music to sing and dance along with while I fantasize about my Real Life. You know what I mean - most of us wander around aimlessly through life waiting for it to begin. Every time I make a big change in my life, I feel like it's imminent...but so far, it hasn't happened yet. Oh, well - I'm ready whenever you are.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

-Colin Hay