I am definitely too old to be watching MTV.

Yeah, I admit it.  But my lust for all things pop-cultural and my desire to not, in fact, fold my laundry or do my dishes means that I must watch the increasingly-irrelevant VMAs.  And, since I did it last year, according to my brother's and my defintion as kids, that makes it tradition.  Therefore, I must share my thoughts.  Read my stream of consciousness at thine own risk.

 

Okay, first of all, how stupid is it that the VMAs are not, in fact, airing on MTV here?  I thought they might be on CTV, since they license a lot of MTV shows, but no, they are on Much Music.  Which is the most asinine thing I have ever heard of.  We have MTV in Canada, but they are not allowed to air the MTV VMAs.

 

I am so thrown by Kim from ANTM being a VMA personality - she did the throwaway fashion special, but so did Fonzworth Bentley.  But now she is on the red carpet.  Fuck the what?  She is looking strangely hunchy and hippy.

 

Why is Sway in a helicopter?  And why is he asking Katy Perry, "Have you received any backlash from the 'moral authorities' across the country?"  Dude, even Evangelicals know that that song is fluff and has nothing whatsoever to do with homosexuality.

 

Why...WHY is John Norris still pretending he is young and cool?  Dude, you have been ON MTV as long as I have been WATCHING it.  Which is longer than either one of us would like to admit.

 

Love how when Sway says to Benji Madden "we haven't partied in a while, Benji" it sounds like "we haven't partied in a while, bitch."

 

God, if you love me, you will make the Jonas Brothers go away.

And Miley Cyrus.  Who has apparently feuded with Katy Perry.  Apparently.  Who knew?

 

Okay, I have no idea who Paramore is, but they just arrived in SmartCars.  Two of them, because they can only fit half the group in each one.  Holy crap dude...do you look like a wenus, riding bitch in a SmartForTwo.

(I kind of want a SmartCar, but not so much that I don't want the man in my life to feel inadequate when climbing out of it.)

 

Who knew Alexander MacQueen made maternity wear?  Ashlee Simpson, that's who.

 

This is what I like about MTV.  They let people use backing tracks, but you can still tell when they're actually singing and when they're not.  Rihanna, I'm looking at you.

 

Russell Brand's monologue is...weird.  I think something was lost in translation.  He seems to think he's talking to a sophisticated, well-informed, and non-American audience.  This is MTV, Russell.

WOW is the Best Female Video category lame.  No wonder they no longer show videos on MTV.

Awww...Britney finally won her first VMA.  For one of her worst videos.  I think MTV is officially an enabler.

 

Much...was it really necessary to replay Britney's speech?  I think not.

 

Demi Moore IS the Bionic Woman.

 

Okay, the male nominees are pretty lame as well.  But Chris Brown IS hot.

 

Somebody please shoot Russell Brand.  Yes, we get it, not a fan of the "virginal" Jonas Brothers.  Please let it go now.

 

Oh, Jonas Brothers.  I can forgive backing tracks on voices when people are dancing, but backing tracks on guitar?  At least TRY to look like you're actually playing that thing in your lap. No wonder you're still a virgin.  Everyone knows that playing guitar is a good way to get laid.  And then there's the one with the tambourine, in that oh-so-Tracy-Partridge kind of way.  Okay, I must confess that I had passed judgment on you without ever having seen you perform or hearing one of your songs.  And now I have to say...my hasty judgments were RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

 

Have I mentioned how much I hate the MuchMusic host?

 

Michael Phelps, I appreciate that we share a fondness for the ghetto fabulous, but please learn to enunciate.  You always sound like there's a wad of spit somewhere around your molars that needs swallowing. 

And then do me in a most Olympic manner. 

Leona Lewis, thank you for actually singing.

Why is Paris Hilton on my TV?

 

WHAT is Lindsay Lohan wearing???

When a group named "Fanny Pack" outclasses you, you know you've got problems.

I can't believe I am actually rooting for the Pussycat Dolls.

AND THEY WON!

To be fair, that asnine song is one of the few songs that actually makes me enjoy running.  For approximately three minutes.

 

Number of winners that have thanked God: 2

Because I'm sure God was on the edge of His seat, fingers crossed, pulling for a bunch of half-naked floozies to win Best Dance Video.

 

I think if I had to vote for Best New Artist, I would actually vote for Miley Cyrus.  Because I actually kind of like that "7 Things I Hate About You" song.  I realize that that completely blows all of my indie cred, but it's not like I ever had any in the first place, so I am at peace with that.

 

Oh, so that's who Paramore are.  They sing that song.

 

Love how MTV Canada is actually airing socially relevant programming during the VMAs.  Why must MTV Canada be so much classier than the original?

 

WHY...are Slash and Shia LeBoeuf presenting together?  One of the greatest metal guitarists of all time and...well...someone whose name means "follow the beef"?

 

I do heart Pink.  Even when she's relegated to performing on a cheesy soundstage, she's still hot.

I am kind of enjoying how MTV seems to be embracing the "we're in Hollywood - everything is artifice" dynamic.

 

An even better odd couple than Slash and the LeBoeuf?  Slipknot and McLovin.  Oh yeah.

I am officially rooting for Lupe Fiasco, merely because I am convinced I love him even though I don't know any of his songs offhand, but would probably recognize them if you played them for me.  He is just one of many artists I feel like I need to explore more, because all logic dictates that they are right up my alley.

 

Um...seriously, Jordin Sparks?  Seriously?!?  Sugar, just because you don't wear a promise ring, doesn't mean you're a slut.  I mean, I don't wear a promise ring, and I AM a slut, but my choice of lifestyle does not necessarily reflect on the moral codes of other non-promise-ring-wearers.  Please...PLEASE do not make me go to the abstinence-only-sex-education-is-CRAP place.  This is supposed to be a fun evening.

 

My spellcheck is apparently Republican, because it is taking issue with that ENTIRE LAST PARAGRAPH.  AND THIS ONE.  Fuck the what?

 

Rihanna, I will give you props, because not just anybody can get a crowd going with a mere silhouette.  Sweetheart, you look good.  And this time, you're doing more of the singing.  Good on you.

 

Who the hell are these kids introducing the Aguilera?

Speaking of which, Christina...how very...Blade Runner of you.

 

Holy crap, Britney just won her SECOND ever VMA.  And wow, she just gave the EXACT SAME SPEECH.  Am thinking she has, in fact, been programmed and/or heavily medicated via Larry Rudolph.

 

Yep, kinda in love with Lupe Fiasco.  Moving on.

 

You know, Kid Rock is a cocky, greasy muthafucka.  But the Kid knows music.  And can play multiple instruments.  Not like certain Jonas Brothers I could mention that can't even figure out the right way to hold the tambourine.

 

Oh my God, I almost had to root for the Pussycat Dolls again.  Thank God for the TingTings.

Fuck the what???  BritBot just won again!  No shout-out for God this time, but it is, again, for the fans.

 

So help me, I do love Kanye West.  Even though I find him obnoxious.  He is that rare breed of rapper that can sing on-key.  And make pop-py rap that is still somewhat intellectual.  Good on ya, 'Ye.

 

And this is what I love about the VMAs.  Short, sweet, and very lacking in actual, tedious awards.  Everyone knows that nobody tunes in to see who wins these silly things anyway, and it's nice to see the producers have seen that gauntlet thrown, and responded with a bold, "I'm rubber, you're glue."  God bless you, MTV!  I shall be your cougar slut as long as you'll have me.  MWAH!