Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Continuing on with the general happiness theme, I present a few of my favorite things, as of this evening:

Victoria Beckham.

I started to rethink my stance on Posh a few months ago, but then the new Spice Girls single had pretty much killed that. Until I found out that she is doing a guest spot on Ugly Betty. Now she is getting dangerously close to can-do-no-wrong territory. I can almost forgive her for "2 Become 1." I hate myself a little for even typing that.

Reaper.

Seriously, kids. LOVE this show. Watch it. Kind of want to marry the lead character. Plus, Curtis Armstrong did a guest spot tonight. Anything that means Curtis Armstrong is employed is tops in my book. Oh, and Ray Wise is freakin' genius as the Devil.

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

Oh. My. God. Y'all know how much I love the trashy reality TV shows. And this is my new favorite. It took me until the third episode to write about it, but in all fairness, I started writing with the first one and my first attempt was lost when the power flashed out the other night. For those of you not familiar, Tila Tequila's primary (arguably, sole) claim to fame is that she has over two million friends on MySpace:

ok what the hell man? I know I have lots of friends on here but it's not like I can help it ok? I didn't join this thing thinking, "OMG I SOOOO HAVE TO GET A MILLION FRIENDS ON HERE!" Yea right! It was more like someone invited me to join and I was like k wutever....another stupid lame online community. Who would've known that my profile would turn into some kind of weird "Tila Phenomenon!" hahaha! What I'm trying to say is.....just because I have lots of friends on here and blah blah blah...that doesn't mean that I'm not a normal girl who wants to meet normal and down to earth people....BECAUSE I AM AND DO! So don't be afraid to write me...I will read them all, HOWEVER I may not write back to everyone because I honestly get a billion notes a day. If you are just writing to say..."ohohohoh fuck me you're hot!" I won't be able to write back ok? And don't get all bitter if I can't write you back....I'm not mad at your nor do I hate you ok?? All I'm asking is for some understanding...that's all....ummm what else?? OH YEA....AND PLEASE....I AM NOT SOME KIND OF ADVERTISING TOOL! DON'T FUCKEN TRY TO USE ME OK? Like I always have people writing me asking me to post up advertising bulletins for them since I can reach lots of people....dude...fuck off! I feel so fucken used! Also people keep asking me how to put music on their page, if they can use my server to put music up and blah blah blah....you know what?? I AM NOT A WEBMASTER NOR IS MY OFFICIAL WEBSITE A HOST FOR YOUR MUSIC FOR ONLINE COMMUNITIES! *breaths* Jesus....I think that is all for now...other than that...I love you guys. You gimme something to do when I am bored at 4 in the morning.....no seriously....you guys totally rock....just stop using me for stuff ok? Thanks...xoxoxoxox

And that, friends, is exactly why one of the rooms in my personal hell is simply labeled, "MySpace."
So, without further ado, I present my thoughts:

Bitch, you ain't bisexual. You are simply an attention whore. Exhibit A: In the first episode, the standings were as follows:

Boys you made out with: 1
Girls you made out with: 2

This, taken alone, does not seem like very definitive evidence. Until I add the fact that you met with the guys one-on-one. You did no such thing with the women. When you made out with a girl, it was with another girl sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Oh, and you have said, on more than one occasion, "I usually only date lipstick lesbians." That ain't bisexuality, that's exhibitionism.

Tila Tequila's Lessons in Hypocrisy #1:

Number of boys who claim they are virgins: 1
Number of girls who claim they are virgins: 1

Your response to both, "You're lying!" Okay, fair enough. However, you eventually used the virginity argument against the boy and eliminated him, even though he was adorable and sweet. You even denied him the chance to kiss you. As far as the girl is concerned? "All my dreams just came true." WTF???

Okay, Momma's boy: Seriously, you can stop reminding us that you live on your mom's couch. In this episode alone, I felt the need to start a tally. Number of times MB has mentioned sleeping on his mom's couch/working at a pizza parlor/riding to work on a bike instead of in a car: 4. That would be totally rad if you were, like, 12. I mean, for the love of God, man, when you got to the house and saw that everyone would be sharing one huge bed, your response was, "I'm not used to having a bed, so..." SERIOUSLY??? MY mama would've taught me not to publicly declare my losertude so much. In fact, she did. This is why I'm so vastly superior to you. I may be a tool, but at least I don't advertise.

Tila, honey. I'm already over your raspy giggle. It's the same EVERY FREAKING TIME. Dear God, make it stop. Get some Fisherman's Friend up in this joint. Repeat after me: Ahem.

Okay, now we come to the point I have been wanting to make for years. Ever since the advent of these Competitive Dating Shows, there has been a reason that they are not done in same-sex environs. And that reason is not, contrary to popular belief, homophobia. I mean, let's face it, this is TV. People will watch all sorts of shit that they don't feel comfortable with in real life as long as they can put a series of vacuum tubes between them and the thing they secretly can't look away from. This is the fundamental principle that keeps Jerry Springer on the air. The reason, dear friends, is that the gays ain't stupid. If you put them on Boy Meets Boy/Next/DisMissed/ElimiDate (not that I have ever watched any of these), they are not obtuse enough to ignore the laws of probability. They KNOW they have a better chance of hooking up with one of their "competitors" than they ever do of hooking up with the officially sanctioned object of their affection. And there is absolutely no reason, short of contractual obligation, not to do so! So does it really come as a surprise to anyone when the criminally narcissistic "target" on Next ends up alone while all the cuties are making out blissfully on the bus without him? I can respect anyone who has a logical grasp on statistics.

So, ever since I first saw a promo for this show, I have been wondering how long it would take before SOMEONE would hook up in the house.

Okay, so Tila's not a Complete Moron (tm). (For anyone keeping track, however, she IS still an Attention Whore (tm)). When the group moved in, she clearly stated the house rules. Of which there are apparently a sum total of one, which would be that there is to be no hooking up in the house.

That lasted all of 1/4 of one episode. I say that, because apparently that rule only holds in the house, and seriously, God only knows what kind of shit went on at whatever hotel they were putting the contestants up in before they moved in, because apparently the cameras were not allowed. Apparently. You KNOW there was MAD hooking up going on. I mean, everyone loves hotel sex. Especially when it's anonymous reality tv hotel sex. Not that I've ever had hotel sex. I'm just sayin'. It sounds like sexy. Not that I would know.

Number of people who have pronounced it "supposably": 2

Number of people wearing a t-shirt that says, "Vagitarian": 1. Unfortunately, yes, it was a boy. Unforgivable.

Tila sets up a "Country Fair" to entertain everyone. A direct quote from the boy from West Virginia:

"I used to love going to the state fair. I used to spray the poop off of the elephants - the carnies used to get me to do it."

Dude. You are SINGLEHANDEDLY JUSTIFYING EVERY WEST VIRGINIAN JOKE EVER TOLD.

Okay, so during the fair, the Vagitarian TOTALLY rats out the people who were doing...questionable? (bitch, this shit is on TAPE!) things under the covers in the Big Bed. Guy in question comes up to defend himself. Vag says, "I didn't say any name, right? So why is he here for?" (Vag is Italian, so the questionable English is excusable. In fact, he is referred to as "Little Italy" by some of his compatriots, which almost makes up for the fact that I must, henceforth, refer to him as Vag.) DUDE TOTALLY JUST SOLD HIMSELF OUT. FUCKIN' AWESOME.

Tila Tequila's Lessons in Hypocrisy #2:
Put everyone into one HUGE bed, and tell them NOT to hook up. Oh, and throw in a game of Spin the Bottle, a stripper pole, and LOTS of liquor. Like THAT'S gonna happen. You know, nothing says "trustworthy" like the words "club promoter." That's all I'm sayin'. The man has my utmost confidence.

Seriously, MTV, how am I supposed to blog with a straight face when you keep putting up that "The following program contains mature subject matter" disclaimer after every commercial break? This subject matter couldn't be less mature if it were Spongebob. My Super Sweet 16 is of a more mature nature than this piece of crap. Not that I've ever watched that. (I am, of course, referring to My Super Sweet 16. I TOTALLY watch Spongebob.)

So back to the big scandal. Tila says something to the group about how someone has broken the rules. So Rebecca says, "Well, yeah, I kissed Brandi, but..."

And Tila says, "That's not what they were talking about."
"Oh."

OOOOHHHHH! BUSTED!!! You did THAT in TILA'S HOUSE???

Wait, bitch, that ain't your house. It's whatever house MTV rented for this awful, AWFUL show. I should know. I saw that episode of My Super Sweet 16 where the girl throwing the party demonstrated how rich her family was by saying that VH1 rented their house to film I Love New York.

Um...not that I...oh, hell. I give up.

Tila Tequila's Lessons in Hypocrisy #3:
You claim to be bisexual, yet you expect all of your candidates to be either straight men, or full-on lesbian women. You're totally that girl who is going to convince someone you want to be monogamous, but insists it's not fair for them to expect you to be faithful, because you're attracted to both sexes. Honey, I'm attracted to a LOT of men. That doesn't mean that I get to DO all of them.

Mmmkay. So the competition for Alone Time (tm) in this episode was...
wait for it....
A pie-eating contest.
I swear to God I am not making this up.
Wanna bet who won?
The one butch girl left.
Of course she did.

The elimination ceremony:
Tila, I can totally see your nipples through that dress. Which is impressive, since it's not at all form-fitting. Mad props.
Mmmmkay. So, lemme get this straight (no pun intended). You kept the boy who did (questionable?) things under the covers with the (alleged) lesbian. You kept the girl who kissed the (alleged) lesbian. You dumped the (alleged) lesbian. YOU DUMPED THE (not just alleged) LESBIAN KRYSTAL???? YOU DUMPED TWO HOT BOYS BUT KEPT MOMMA'S BOY (hey, at least I can keep the tally going)???? YOU DUMPED THE BOY WHO WAS TEARING UP BUT KEPT THE VAG????

Bless me, reader, for I have SINNED. Hate the sinner, love the sin. Wait...