Pop Culture Confessional (Cont.)

Okay, pardon me while I get WAY too worked up over a couple of things that aren't the least bit worthy of my attention:

1. America's Next Top Talentless Skank. [SPOILER ALERT] ASIA??? REALLY???? The way I see it, there are two ways this could have gone. a) you're looking for someone to replace Nicole Scherzinger because, let's face it, she's the only talented Pussy you've got and she was smart enough to sign a contract that guaranteed she could record a solo record after she did one shitty record with the group... or... b) you're just looking for another random backup dancer to shake her goodies behind Nicole with the others. If a) is the reality, then WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU PICK CHELSEA? She has a vastly superior voice to the others, and while yes, she can't dance to save her skanky little ass, the other Pussys can easily dance around her while she does her very best Christina Aguilera impression for anyone that will listen, which is, oh, approximately a gazillion little skanky 13-year-old girls with allowances burning holes in their pockets. If, on the other hand, b) is the reality, WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST PICK A GIRL WHO DOESN'T DO THAT ANNOYING QUIVERING FINGER BIT WITH THE MIC AND WHO DOESN'T HAVE HAMSTER VIBRATO, AKA MELISSA R.???? I know, I know, Asia looks good, but seriously, she couldn't have more annoying vocal tics if she tried. Melissa would have blended effortlessly with the rest of the skank pudding, and would have at least sung on-key without hamster vibrato, even if she does apparently require boob pads to properly embody Girl Power (tm). Seriously - HAMSTER. VIBRATO.

(deep breath)

Okay, now on to the other one:

2. Dancing with the Stars. [SPOILER ALERT] THANK YOU AMERICA, FOR SENDING HEATHER MILLS HOME AND RESTORING MY FAITH IN ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. I am so sick of hearing the judges call her "incredible" and "inspirational" and all that crap. Fact of the matter is, Heather Mills is a frigid bitch and I have always hated her, handicap or no. If anyone else had been putting motherfucking WALKOVERS into their routines, you would've ripped them to shreds. I'm talking to YOU, Bruno and Len!!! You people claim to hate gimmicks, but only when employed by Joey FatOne. Get over yourselves and judge everyone based on merit. John Ratzenberger is engaging, enthusiastic, and sweet, even if generally uncoordinated. Heather Mills has the stage presence of an atlantic cod left steaming in the sun for a few weeks, and does nothing but bitch about her transatlantic commute (dude, after that divorce settlement, you can AFFORD to relocate across the pond for a few weeks, bitch), while Billy Ray Cyrus clearly wants to return to Hannah Montana. And you, Ms. Mills, have the audacity to whine about how the judges have always made the same critique about you -that you need to pay more attention to your upper body - but you CAN'T because you have to pay SO MUCH attention to putting your feet in the right place because you have an artificial leg...BULLSHIT. A leg is a leg. If you can walk on it, you can dance on it, and that is no excuse for having absolutely no ability to coordinate your upper body. The mark of a performer devoid of talent is receiving the same note every week - your arm lines and movements are horrendous, and you deserve to be called out for it.

Wow. THAT was unnecessarily militant. But I seriously don't like her - never have, never will. And I've dealt with enough people with handicaps to know all too well the difference between being disadvantaged yet inspirational and being just a plain asshole with a disadvantage.

Asia... I am, at least, happy that you will be able to support your daughter on your new-found Full-Time Skank salary. Just please learn how to eat real food before you go on tour, or I WILL have to smack you.

Seriously...you people should know better than to let me drink during the week.