Some Fantastic

I've been staring at a blank screen, trying to figure out how to start this post.

Let's just start with the facts - maybe it will just flow from there.

Went to the last LFOTM (last friday of the month) party last night. Managed to get a couple of my labmates to go with me...even the Boss. The four of us had a great time, drinking cheap beer, scavenging snacks, and inflatable bungee cord racing (yes, you read that right). Now, I'm not gonna lie - ulterior motives were at work. I was hoping to also drag the VGLM with me, and/or run into the new friends I made the last time I went to one of these things. But the VGLM was nowhere to be found for most of the afternoon, and when I got to the party, I didn't see the people I was hoping to reconnect with, so I was glad I had brought fun people to hang out with so I didn't end up looking like a total tool. And I actually beat the Boss in one of our three bungee races, so I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Our group dwindled, and got down to just myself and one of my labmates. I'm not sure I've ever talked about him on here before, and I'm too lazy to look it up and see if he already has a nickname, but he resembles Stephen Page of the Barenaked Ladies, so I think we'll go with Barenaked Labmate. BNL is one of my closest friends in Toronto - we bonded from the first time we met, and I often liken him to the annoying little brother I never wanted. He drives me insane sometimes, but he is a kindred spirit and a true friend to me. So we've had a few beers at this point, which leads to the inevitable venting and honesty that can always be found at the bottom of a plastic cup with your name written on it. BNL and I always have our best conversations over beer, and last night we both had a lot to unload.

So I finish my last beer, and we get ready to head out, and guess who finally shows up? I have no idea why the VGLM decided to come to this thing so late, when it had already wound down for the night, but sure enough he did, just in time for me to say hi, make a little bit of what I'm sure was truly ridiculous and highly embarrassing conversation, and introduce him to BNL before we left. Now, as you're all painfully aware, I like to whine about the VGLM. And if I've had a drink or two, my filters shut down and I whine at will. It's an obnoxious habit of mine, and it was in full effect as we relocated to a pub. So BNL asks wherefore all the whining, and the conversation somehow ends up revolving around me and my romantic life for the rest of the night.

Said conversation consisted of the following topics on a repeating loop:

1. I don't just think the VGLM is hot - I actually like him. As in, have FEELINGS for him. This was news to BNL, who thus far has thought he was just teasing me about a little crush.

2. Whether or not the VGLM likes me. BNL kept trying to convince me that, while he just met the VGLM for the first time that night and thus does not know him at all, he noticed him "light up" when I walked up to him and was far more interested in talking to me than in the gorgeous blonde he was talking to before I came along. Hmm...yeah, not buying it, but nice try. We agreed to disagree on that one.

3. My attractive qualities. This is the part that I can pretty much thank the beer for - it was incredibly sweet and flattering, but would have been weird during daylight hours. But in a dark pub over a platter of wings, it was completely fine and almost appropriate for BNL to refer to me as the "Holy Grail for Canadian men." Now...do I believe him? Nope, sorry. I believe I'm something of the Holy Grail for HIM (the big three qualities that apparently comprise the sacred chalice are Smart, Funny, and Good-Lookin', three of the first words that I would use when describing his girlfriend), but I am not willing to concede that he can generalize for the entire male population of Canada that their Type is...well...me. While I believe him when he says that little things like my Ph.D. aren't as much of a turnoff here as they are at home, I don't believe that everyone else thinks it's as big a turn-on as he does. I like myself a lot - I think I'm pretty mad cool. But I'm not for everyone. I get on my own nerves with some regularity, and there's no way I'm the only one. So no matter how hard BNL (or any of the rest of you, for that matter) tries to make the "of course he likes you...how could he NOT like you?" argument, it's just not going to fly. Some people just don't like you that way, no matter how good you might look on paper or how fantastic you happen to think you are. Yes, I am, as one of my readers is so fond of saying, all that, a bag of chips, a cookie, and a discount coupon, but that gets you nowhere if the person in question is in the mood for pizza. Love is not a rational act; it is ruled by far more mysterious forces than logic.

4. There is no #4. Maybe this is where I was wiping wing sauce off of my chin. Because even a Holy Grail kind of girl is completely incapable of eating wings in a ladylike manner after 4-5 beers.

5. I should tell the VGLM I like him. BNL is pretty adamant about this, and I have to say that for once, he's right. I SHOULD. BNL seems to think that there's no bigger turn-on than for a Holy Grail kind of girl to tell you she likes you. Not sure I'm buying that one either (because again it's based on the idea that Holy Grail status is the same for everyone), but I do know that I'll never resolve all of the questions raised in items 1, 2, and 3 unless I tell him how I feel. He
obviously isn't going to just sweep me off of my feet, or I think he would have done so by now. So yeah, I guess I need to take this one to heart.

Here's the problem: I suck at expressing my feelings. I write this blog precisely because I am so bad at expressing myself in real life. Some would say I'm not very good at doing it on here either, but that's beside the point. The people who might be reading this thing fall into one of two categories: my closest friends and complete strangers. I can say whatever I want on here because those in the former category know me and love me regardless of what I say, and those in the latter - well, I could really care less what they think of me, because if they don't like it, they can just click the "Next Blog" button and move on. I have no problem telling The Alchemist how I feel about the VGLM, but how can I tell him? I can't even ask him to go to a stupid end-of-year formal - I've decided several times that I would do so, and every time I get a chance to speak to him, I completely lose what little nerve I've managed to work up. Any time I've asked him to do something, I've gone the chickenshit route and done it via e-mail because that way I don't have to face him if he says no. And now I'm supposed to a) ask him to go do something with me AND b) actually confess that I like him instead of just like him.

I just really don't think I have it in me to do that. As much as I would like to say that I do...as much as I really, REALLY do want to put myself out there, I don't think that I can.

When I have feelings for a guy, I don't tell him until I know how he feels about me. It's a defense mechanism. I am that girl that WILL NOT say "I love you" first in a relationship. The reason is quite simple - any time I have confessed feelings for a guy, worked up the balls to ask one out, etc., I have gotten completely clobbered. In my last couple of relationships, I flew under the radar, managed to get the guy to like me, and never let on just how long I had been interested before they finally came around. I would love to say that when I profess my like for a friend and he doesn't feel the same way about me, that he's cool about it and just remains my friend while I feel the relief of the emotional purge. Or better yet, that the confession is reciprocated and we live happily ever after in a land of flowers and puppies where I am a pretty, pretty princess.

HOWEVER....the reality is that the most common response is to take advantage of my feelings, followed by weeks...months...years...and counting...of not speaking to me. I've heard, more times than any girl should, "I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with you." Guys, that is not an appropriate response. Unless you plan on emotionally investing in me, you can keep that information to yourself. I lost one of my best friends by acting on unreciprocated feelings - we haven't spoken in several years now and I still miss him and regret that anything ever happened between us. During and after one breakup, I made it clear that my feelings for the dumper were still strong but I would just be his friend if that's what he wanted. A couple of months later, when I was just starting to heal, he got lonely and decided to get back together with me. That lasted about a month... just as I started to trust him again... well, the second dumping was even more fun than the first. I could keep relating my anecdotal evidence, but they're not really very interesting stories and I think you get the general idea.

So I don't do vulnerability well. It has not served me well in the past, so I don't see why I should be trying it again any time soon.

You may be thinking, "Hey, you're selling the VGLM short. He sounds like a great guy, and he'll probably be cool about it." The others were great guys too. Yet somehow I still wound up scarred.

I no longer trust people with my feelings. I want to think that the VGLM is worth letting my guard down for, but I don't know that he can be trusted with the information. With great power comes great responsibility, my friends, and when I care about a guy, he has a LOT of power.

So where does this leave me? I still want to tell him how I feel, but I don't know how to make myself do it. I've spent so much of my adult life single, and lately I feel like I've gotten pretty good at it. Being in a relationship used to be my comfort zone, but now being alone is, and we all know how hard it is to venture outside of what is Comfortable. I'm still mildly freaked out about signing up for tap classes, for God's sake, and I've danced since I was FOUR YEARS OLD. Yet it's still taken me months to work up the nerve to sign up for a 6 week dance class.

To say I'm at a bit of a loss here would be just a touch of an understatement.

I didn't know how to start this post, and I also don't know how it ends. The title I chose is the title of a Barenaked Ladies song, so I'll end on the verse that made me pick it:

Some day I will find the secret
to your social chemistry
Then I'll print it on a t-shirt
and it'll make you want to be with me
If I wear it past your work
you'll see other guys are jerks
Much like pheromones for flies
you will not avoid my eyes

There's a lot I will never do
Some fantastic, I know it's true
But none as much as my want to be with you

Bye-bye self-respect
I haven't had much of it since you left
I missed out on the best of you...