Analytical Chemistry

So...I had a date tonight. For those of you on the edge of your seats, wondering how that whole eHarmony thing was going...this one's for you.

So, this guy came up as one of my matches, and at first, I was really wigged out because he bore some superficial similarities to a friend I had just recently met. Once I established that they were, in fact, two different people, I began the slow, plodding process of "guided communication." Frankly, I am of the opinion that you decide on the basis of the person's profile if you want to communicate with them - the "guided" portion is pure bullshit. No matter how much they tell you that this process is designed to elicit your "true answers" and "break through your barriers..." the fact of the matter is, you are every bit as capable of telling someone what they want to hear via a multiple-choice question as to their face. So they might as well get right to the open communication portion of the program for all the good it does. That's just my two cents.

So anyway, we got our eHarmony caps and gowns on and graduated to "open communication." Which led to the exchange of real-life e-mail addresses, and phone numbers, and eventually resulted in plans to have a drink after work tonight. I got to the meeting place...found he was not, in fact, a troll, and drinks went well so he invited me to go get some sushi. I was enjoying his company so I took him up on it. Now, it was about halfway through dinner when I had to admit to myself that I may be getting myself in trouble here. See, it had been becoming progressively clearer to me as the evening wore on that this guy was quite taken with me. Frankly, I sensed it from when I first walked up to him as he was waiting at the bar for me, but the sensation became stronger as the time passed. You know...there's a difference between a friendly smile in normal conversation and the one that crosses your face when you are talking or listening to someone who you happen to find quite charming. I started noticing him looking at my hands, as if he were thinking, "I wonder if I can get away with holding one of those yet? Nah, too soon." And as we walked back to the subway in the rain, he walked close enough to me that our arms touched, even though the sidewalk left plenty of space. He even tried to put his arm around me briefly, but seemed to think the better of it. In the subway station, I could tell he was stalling because he wanted a goodnight kiss, which he eventually asked if he could have. And when I let him kiss me, he did everything he could (within reason) to prolong it.

Now, I feel the need to say, for the record, that I like this guy. He's attractive, friendly, fun to talk to, and we have a lot in common. I can see why eHarmony would think we might be compatible, because all indications are that we will get along well and could happily spend a lot of time together. But here's the thing - I'm not intrigued by him. I need to be with someone who challenges me... someone whose moves I can't see coming from three blocks away. Even in friendships, I need to be around people who can keep me guessing - otherwise, I get bored. And this...THIS is why I hate dating and completely suck at it. Because I am apparently quite good at charming the wrong people. Perfectly nice, fun, attractive guys (that just don't quite do it for me for some inexplicable, intangible reason) are often drawn to the persona I present whenever I first meet someone. That same persona also works quite well on dad/grandpa types, some students, and theater people. The problem is that it never seems to work on anyone I have any vested interest in - I think not caring about what the person thinks of me is part of what makes me intriguing and attractive, so when I DO care, it loses something.

A year ago, I probably would've decided that the curse of maturity has ruled out that kind of spontaneous, thrilling chemistry on first meeting that I used to experience when I was younger. But that was before I moved here. Take the VGLM, or any of my crushes since I relocated: more often than not, those crushes initially took root during one particular encounter, where I simply couldn't learn enough about the person and no matter how long I talked to them they left me wanting more. So even if nothing ever comes of any of those, I at least know it's still possible to get that kind of charge. I have a hard time envisioning spending the rest of my life with someone who I never felt that kind of passion for. I don't expect it to last a lifetime - we're not built to sustain that kind of constant stimulation for very long, and at some point hopefully a deeper love takes its place, but shouldn't I at least have it at the beginning? If I were just looking for someone to date...a little companionship, like I have been for the last few years, this guy would be a perfectly good candidate. The problem is, that's not what I'm looking for anymore - I'm looking for someone who can rattle me AND steady me. A core-shaker.

I just have to find one I can rattle just as well.