J-J-Jaded

My horoscope for today was:

You may sense a current of feeling that runs deeper than what you've been recently experiencing. On one hand, this can be quite exciting, for you are attracted to the intensity and may believe that you are getting closer to something very significant. On the other hand, you are fearful of losing yourself into this powerful flow. Discuss it with a close friend to get a healthier perspective before proceeding.

I've come to a realization slowly over the last 6 months or so. No matter how much I try to deny it, I have to admit that I've become pretty severely jaded. I'm not talking about that pouty, "I'm bitter!" veneer that so many single girls put up when what they're really thinking is, "I know he's out there...why won't he just get here already?" After several years of long periods alone, only interrupted by a series of unrequited crushes and an occasional relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (some of whom had very good reasons for being emotionally unavailable...others...well, just went ahead and hurt me without ever bothering to even attempt to explain themselves), I find myself in a rather unattractive frame of mind. Not only do I not want to get emotionally invested in anyone, but I find myself continually surprised to find evidence that men actually do have feelings.

That sounds really awful, but it's true.

Any time I'm watching some stupid reality show, and there's some will-they-or-won't-they romantic plotline during which they show the guy talking to some buddy about the girl and expressing a sentiment even the slightest bit deeper than, "yeah, she's pretty hot," I am actually taken aback. The thought of a guy actually caring about and having real emotions for a girl is genuinely foreign to me at this point.

It has been about 7 years since I exchanged "I love you"s with someone who wasn't a blood relative or one of my best girlfriends.

Sort of a Seven-Year-Retch, if you will.

During that period, any time I've been on the phone with my parents and told them I'm dating someone new, it has been immediately followed by, "there's no future in it, but at least it's nice to have some companionship." I can spend a surprising amount of time in a relationship that never had any hope of a future.

It's easy to believe men don't have deep feelings when you've had so little evidence to the contrary. Oh sure, I've been out on dates where I could tell I was charming the pants off of the guy, but those never went far enough to turn into genuine affection, and I'm sure they have long since forgotten about me. And yeah, there were one or two guys who kind of turned into stalkers, but I don't flatter myself - I know those had a great deal more to do with the mental instability of those particular chaps than with any attraction towards me. I catch myself thinking the same sorts of things I used to when I was in middle school (where you think the boy that likes you is just gross and the boy you like thinks the same about you in turn): what are the odds that some guy I like would end up liking me? That just seems impossible!

I don't like this about myself, but I also know that it's not something I can fix on my own. No matter how much my friends give me the speeches about how amazing I am and how some great guy is going to come to his senses and figure that out, the only thing that will ever convince me is when some guy does. I'm a woman of faith in many things, but this just ain't one of 'em. Here, I am a woman of science - I'll believe it when I see it.

Which brings me back to my horoscope and my new crush. Yeah, you read that right, I have promoted him to actual, full-blown crush status. We hung out last night, and spent about 4 hours just talking. He has far guiltier pleasures than I do, but he doesn't seem to feel the least bit guilty about them, which is refreshing. My current impression is that he's confident and self-assured, but with a healthy dose of humility. He likes to talk, and is incredibly honest and forthright, but he also listens very intently when I talk. The one thing I'm still trying to figure out is how attracted to him I am, but that won't be fully resolved until I've at least had a snuggle. And while I can usually tell when a guy is charmed or smitten with me, I'm not picking up any of that with him. He clearly enjoys spending time with me, because he has always been eager to make plans, but about the only tangible sign I've had of interest was when I was leaving last night, and thanked him for having me over, even though he had a bad cold, and he said, "No, thanks for coming over. I've been looking forward to this since we first talked about doing it last week."

That caught me a little off-guard. I mean, I know I had been looking forward to it, but he was too? I mean, he actually had stuff to DO all week. I was partly looking forward to it because it was the only thing on my social calendar. So now I've been thinking about him a lot (again, mostly because it's more fun than doing chores or working on the paper that I'm supposed to send to my boss by tomorrow night), and all day I've been having these fleeting flashes of...something. It could be that there's more than just crush potential there, but it could also just be that long-dead part of me trying to resurface. That occasional flutter in my stomach might just be that part of me that's sick of being alone, trying to take over and make more of this than it really is. I don't have the energy to analyze, and it wouldn't do any good anyway, so I'm just letting it percolate for now to see if it resolves itself. But this has been one of those weeks where my horoscope is pretty much dead on, and it says to discuss it with a close friend for perspective, and you guys are my close friends.

So go ahead, discuss.