Yin and Yang

This evening, I had two dueling streams of thought. So I present them as follows. I have done you all the courtesy of separating the streams into their respective topics, as I thought writing the whole thought process verbatim would have been completely incomprehensible. As it is, it is merely a complete waste of your time. You have been duly warned.

YIN:

I present my stream of consciousness while intermittently watching the MTV Video Music Awards:

Why is John Norris blonde?

AND WEARING EYELINER????

Why is NELLY fuckin FURTADO blonde? And apparently drunk. Apparently.

And what the fuck happened to Alicia Keys? Where did you leave the rest of your nose, sista friend?

Paris Hilton, you look ridiculous, you self-important bitch.

Britney!
Could you be more obviously lip-synching?
You look good for a mom of 2, but you are not in your fighting form. Seriously...I hear Weight Watchers is some good shit.
WOW with the uncomfortable/bored/pitying looks from the audience.
When FUCKING RIHANNA is laughing at you for not being able to sing, you know you've got problems.
You're a much better dancer than this, Brit.
That was, quite possibly, the LAMEST OPENING NUMBER THE VMAS HAVE EVER HAD.
Almost, but not quite, as lame as one would expect when they're having the fucking thing IN A CASINO.
What next - Atlantic City???

It should be noted that there is a gap of about one hour here while I was...um...indisposed. (read: talking to a boy)

Oh...OH....how I do love Justin Timberlake. But who knew he had balls? He just accepted his award from the cast of The Hills, then pleaded with MTV in his speech to "play some videos." And made some snide comment about reality tv. LOVE him. But also love The Hills. Such is the neverending paradox of self-hatred for every pop-culture junkie.

Mmm...I do enjoy the LeBoeuf.

But I don't enjoy the LeMoustache.

Any day now, Kanye West is going to be completely indistinguishable from Flavor Flav. And God help me, I love him for it.

Oh...OH...nobody told me he name-checks SNAKES ON A PLANE!!! Why, exactly, have I not bought this album yet???

Aside from JT, have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER who has actually won the awards.

Megan Fox, you look like a blowup doll. Seriously, it's distracting. I keep looking for the valve on her back.

Rihanna, SHAME ON YOU for laughing at Britney. You sound like ass. You are not dancing enough to justify that backing track.

Alicia Keys, your biceps and thighs frighten me. Sir yes SIR!
Ooh, but you are covering George Michael's "Freedom '90." That makes me happier than it has any right to.

How can you be nominated for "best new artist" when it's your THIRD ALBUM??? How's that rehab workin' out for you now, Amy?

Nelly Furtado has now officially morphed into Madonna circa "Lucky Star."

Oh, but I am having many impure thoughts about Justin Timberlake right now. Damn, if you boys only knew what good dance moves can do to a woman.

Still have no idea who won anything. But who really gives a shit anyway?

YANG:

I need help. I realized earlier today that I was nervous about an IM date.

Wait...I need to backtrack.
So I have previously alluded to a new friend who may or may not be a candidate for my new crush. We have tons in common - he is a teacher and a theater person and seems fairly passionate about both. Which is good, seeing as how these are two of my big passions in life. He is also close to his extended family and that's a very big deal for me as well, so it's nice to talk to someone i have that in common with.

Well, he asked me to go see a movie with him on Wednesday night. The movie? Superbad. Something I've been dying to see, and indicates we should have compatible senses of humor...isn't a damned date movie, which is good, because as a general rule, I HATE date movies. And we've kind of made a pact to keep things low-key and friendly to start off, so a date movie would have been weird anyway.

Now, up until this point, I have been feeling that on paper we are quite compatible, but I wasn't sure about in person. We'd only had one lunch together, which didn't exactly blow me away, but it took me by surprise just how much I found myself thinking about him afterwards. So I was excited and a little nervous about the movie - about what one should be in the early stages of crush development. And he showed up looking...well...adorable. He looked casual, but like he had Put Together an Outfit...all clean, and pressed, and good-smelling. And wearing his glasses, which made him look kind of like Ted Allen from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (who I have always enjoyed in a love that dare not speak its name kind of way). Of course, it was a movie, which doesn't lend itself to lots of getting-to-know you conversation, but we both enjoyed the movie...established we're dog people...a mutual love of Arrested Development...he gave me a ride home, and that was it. Once again, I was left wanting more, which is a good thing. At this point, I am thinking, yeah, this guy has some actual crush potential. So I send him a little "hey, thanks again for the movie" e-mail when I got home.

Spent Thursday obsessing over why he hadn't written me back yet, or called to ask if maybe I wanted to have lunch or something this weekend.

Friday morning, I get an e-mail back from him, saying, "Sorry it took me so long to get back to you..."

He seems to know exactly how long to go without responding in order to allow me to start obsessing over why he hasn't responded. I don't even think he does it on purpose, and luckily, I don't think he has any idea how dangerously effective it is in terms of piquing my interest.

So I get a little bored Friday night, and add him to my IM contact list.

Saturday afternoon, he signs on and notices this, and we chat. Blah blah blah...he's busy...film festival...gala premieres..etc...will I be around Sunday night? We can chat and maybe make plans for our next get-together? Sure!

So this afternoon rolls around, and I realize I am exceedingly nervous about talking to him tonight.

I PICKED OUT AN OUTFIT.

In case you missed it, this was an outfit for an ONLINE CONVERSATION. WITH NO VIDEO. I just wanted to feel all cute and confident. I also happened to want a mint julep. Luckily, alcohol seems to work in my favor when it comes to being charming, so it made for what I think was some rather witty repartee on my end. As usual, however, I feel as though I did more of the talking than I probably needed to. We talked for about two hours, during which I learned that he has a cat (who bears an eerie resemblance to Mup's evil cat), shares some of my evil fast-food weaknesses but maybe not my general foodie nature, and is WAY more tidy than I will ever be. This could prove to be a problem - I can deal with evil felines and fast-food addiction, but ain't no way in hell I will ever be tidy. Clean, sure. Lacking in parasites, absolutely. I could make my personal slogan "Wahooty - regularly shampooed and officially vermin-free since 1977!" But tidy? Yeah, not so much.

So we'll see. We discussed plans for a night in with a DVD on Friday. We have plans to reconvene online on Wednesday to discuss the details.

Yeah, he is definitely too organized. This can go one of two ways: I am too odd for him, or he is way too normal for me. Either way, it will only end in tears.

I'll keep you kids posted.