I'm a hazard to myself.

"I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, you know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way, uh, the way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. You see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself." - Before Sunrise

Ever have one of those days where you're just getting on your own nerves? I've been feeling that way pretty much all week. Something seems to be gnawing at me - I've been sleeping really fitfully lately, I can't get motivated to do anything, and I've been having weird impulses. Namely, every time the VGLM walks by I can't shake the urge to just grab him and kiss him. Something tells me this would not be the most adult way to let him know I kinda like him; that sort of thing only works in the kind of cheesy romantic comedies that genuinely make me want to vomit. Thankfully, I do still have my wits about me - I'm not stupid enough to actually act on it - but I'm starting to get really annoyed with myself for wanting to. On Wednesday, I stayed at work late because there was a chance that he would need a favor later in the evening. It wasn't a big favor, and he could have gotten his work done without my help, AND he wound up not even needing the favor after all. Yet I was still glad I had stayed late.

I am seriously lame.

I mean, I've known this guy for almost a year, and I should be over this by now. I should have enough going on in my life that I'm not still wallowing in this same stupid crush. I hate that he's gotten so far under my skin, and that I don't get out enough to have been able to find someone who will make me forget about him. I am a grown-ass woman - I need to stop being such a damned weenie.

The other dominant theme in my life this week has been that pretty much any time I speak to anyone about anything, I want to smack myself and say, "would you just shut up already?" I do, unlike a number of academic types I've known, occasionally get tired of hearing myself speak. I'm sure I have friends that would beg to differ, but I assure you this is true. I think this is the real reason I hate making small talk - I easily grow bored of my own jokes, the stories I've told over and over, and the very adamant opinions I have on truly mundane, insignificant matters. It's not long before I start to think, "wow, this chick is kind of obnoxious." It seems like every time I manage to break myself of one annoying habit, I discover five new ones. This is also one of the reasons I live alone - coming home to an empty apartment means I can shut up and take a break from listening to myself at the end of the day. Any person you spend too much time with will start to irritate you sooner or later - I imagine you'd have to be pretty narcissistic for that person to never turn out to be you.

I'd just really like to hang out with my friends or go to a party without me there. Or to be at work without losing my train of thought every time the VGLM walks by. I'd just like to see what that's like.

So rest assured, dear friends: while I'm sure you've all had times when you're just sick of me, I guarantee I know how you feel.