High Anxiety

So I was supposed to go to a cookout this afternoon. It was a hard invitation to turn down - it's my landlord's birthday, and I'm renting from really great people, and it was happening literally right outside my door. I got up this morning, cleaned my bathroom since my landlord had asked if I would mind if her guests used it, went out to replenish my toilet paper supply because I figured the one roll wouldn't last when the entire Greek population of the GTA rolled in. Shortly before things were supposed to get going, I hopped in the shower. Got dressed...dried my hair...did my makeup...

...and haven't left my apartment since.

I spend most days struggling with a touch of social anxiety disorder, and today it's winning.

Any time I'm going to meet new people, I pretty much have to force myself to do it. If it's just one or two new people, I'm okay. Even better, if that one new person is joining a group of which I am already an established member, piece of cake. But the thought of walking into a party full of strangers, where the only people I know are the hosts (who clearly cannot spend the whole afternoon introducing me to people and involving me in the conversation) gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. I abhor small-talk, and am thus a lousy mingler.

So pretty much every social engagement with anyone I'm not 100% comfortable with requires a great deal of psyching myself up and liberal use of the mantra, "Oh, just suck it up." And 9 times out of 10, once I get to the gathering and settle into my rhythm, I'm glad I'm there and I have a good time. You would think that over time it would get easier to get to that point, and yet it never seems to.

This may come as a surprise to those of you who see me as so confident and self-assured, but this is exactly why I'm always saying I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.

Thanks so much for the invite - I hope you had a very happy birthday. But I'm sorry, I'm just...not feeling up to it today.